Dear Chloe,
You are just finishing up your summer internship. In a little over two weeks you will be starting your second year of your MBA program. You started packing tonight and reflecting on your life. You started to think about the wedding you called off three years ago and how your life today is so different then you thought it would be then. Then, you thought you'd be married and, at this point, probably well on your way to having baby number two. Such is not the case. The truth is, you have no idea when or even if you'll get married. Sometimes this makes you feel very...lonely. Don't feel bad about that. It's okay to feel lonely every once in a while. The good news is, you aren't bitter. Make sure you don't ever become bitter.
You need to look back at your life on a regular basis. You have been through some very hard things. You lost your mom. You don't exactly have a great relationship with your dad, although it's better than it was. You have struggled with your weight and how you feel about it for a very long time. You walked away from a marriage...a marriage you wanted so badly...but you knew it wasn't the right one.
In looking back on all of the hard decisions you've had to make, at all of the hard things you've had to live through, at all the stupid mistakes you’ve made, you need to realize and always remember that you really like who you are today. In fact, you love you. You love who you are becoming. You know that this is a process. You have finally realized that you are never going to feel like you've arrived, but that's not a bad thing. Along the way to becoming, you can see so many amazing milestones; milestones that only exist because you did hard things. Never lose sight of that.
Life will keep going...and it will throw you curve balls. I can't see into the future, but I can tell you this because this is the way it is supposed to work. You are going to have make decisions and most of these will not be decisions between right and wrong. In fact, they will often not be between good and better. Believe in your ability to choose. Believe in the mind that God gave you and in the lessons you have learned throughout your life. The truth is, you can't have it all. This life was designed that way. And you are finally starting to see that. Just like not arriving is not a bad thing, not having it all is not a bad thing either. You will learn how to prioritize. You will learn where your values are; not necessarily on a moral level (those are what they are and, hopefully, will not change), but on a personal preference level. Decisions require sacrifice...otherwise, what is there to decide? But know, that in giving up one thing, you will gain something else. That's the nature of life.
More than anything, I want you to remember how you feel right now, in this moment. You have worked your tail off this summer and the people you are working with have noticed. You have great friends and you are a great friend. You aren't perfect, and neither are they, but you are all doing the best you can (which somedays is much better than others) and they value you as much as you value them. And today, you can feel that. Your family is not perfect, but they are yours and they love you. And today, you know that everything is going to workout, despite all of your mistakes and misjudgments. Today, you know that you are going to be fine. Don't let go of that feeling. And on that day in the very near future when you start to question, when you start to doubt that, remember that where there is fear, there can’t be faith. Remember, as your mom constantly reminded you, it always works out. Always.
Love and rockets,
Your biggest cheerleader
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Michele at 22
Dear me,
You do not have to move to Atlanta. In fact, you probably shouldn't. Of course he's wonderful, and of course you want to stay with him. But, Atlanta? What are you going to do in Atlanta? You just graduated college, I know you have no idea what you're going to do -- grad school, audition, live at home and wait it out? But that's okay. It's a good thing! Following a boy because you don't know what else to do? Maybe not so smart. (And guess what? He's not going to want that house in the country, or the chickens, or to do anything but play Starcraft and drink beer. And you're not going to marry him.)
You know how you ended up spending three months on $300 as he got more and more depressed about his job and, well, Atlanta? And then remember working at that hoity-toity wine bar (where you have no business carrying more-than-one of anything made of glass and/or filled with stain culprits)? And remember how none of it really changed anything except that you felt lonely, irritable, and like a failure? You weren't, you aren't, I'm just saying...the most important lesson from this (that you still struggle to learn, or manage, or something) is that you need to NOT lose yourself in relationships. Your mother, your teachers, your friends, all have made a point to tell you how independent and adventurous you have been, and how you've always just picked up and gone wherever you wanted. And this time you didn't, and it had serious side effects. They got better. But pay attention to that lesson and learn how to live simultaneously with a relationship and with your instincts. Don't let any boy guilt you out of your independence, your need for solitude, and your need to travel, drive away, see the mountains and oceans from many angles. People may cry, "Escapism!" -- but living a life for which you have no feelings, or feel trapped or manipulated is far worse. Don't think of it as escaping or running away -- think of it as running to.
Also, listen to your mother. She really is aware of what makes you happy far more than you are -- you're still trying to replicate what makes others happy because you think you don't know what pleases you. Stop it. You are not other people, and their happiness is not yours, their jobs are not your key to success and their hobbies are not your interests. Be happy for them. But shut up already and listen to yourself. And your mother.
love,
michele
You do not have to move to Atlanta. In fact, you probably shouldn't. Of course he's wonderful, and of course you want to stay with him. But, Atlanta? What are you going to do in Atlanta? You just graduated college, I know you have no idea what you're going to do -- grad school, audition, live at home and wait it out? But that's okay. It's a good thing! Following a boy because you don't know what else to do? Maybe not so smart. (And guess what? He's not going to want that house in the country, or the chickens, or to do anything but play Starcraft and drink beer. And you're not going to marry him.)
You know how you ended up spending three months on $300 as he got more and more depressed about his job and, well, Atlanta? And then remember working at that hoity-toity wine bar (where you have no business carrying more-than-one of anything made of glass and/or filled with stain culprits)? And remember how none of it really changed anything except that you felt lonely, irritable, and like a failure? You weren't, you aren't, I'm just saying...the most important lesson from this (that you still struggle to learn, or manage, or something) is that you need to NOT lose yourself in relationships. Your mother, your teachers, your friends, all have made a point to tell you how independent and adventurous you have been, and how you've always just picked up and gone wherever you wanted. And this time you didn't, and it had serious side effects. They got better. But pay attention to that lesson and learn how to live simultaneously with a relationship and with your instincts. Don't let any boy guilt you out of your independence, your need for solitude, and your need to travel, drive away, see the mountains and oceans from many angles. People may cry, "Escapism!" -- but living a life for which you have no feelings, or feel trapped or manipulated is far worse. Don't think of it as escaping or running away -- think of it as running to.
Also, listen to your mother. She really is aware of what makes you happy far more than you are -- you're still trying to replicate what makes others happy because you think you don't know what pleases you. Stop it. You are not other people, and their happiness is not yours, their jobs are not your key to success and their hobbies are not your interests. Be happy for them. But shut up already and listen to yourself. And your mother.
love,
michele
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Therese in Alaska
Dear Younger Self,
As you will find with many things, it is amazing the change of perspective being a mother and taking a few steps back will have on you. You are going to say and do many remarkable things in the next 15 years of your life and you will also make decisions and react in ways you will be less than proud of. I am not going to stand in the way of those less than proud decisions as they will help you learn and blossom. They will teach you to not be so quick to judge and to keep your mouth closed at certain times. Don't waste time regretting those moments because they are part of the intricate weaving in the tapestry of your life.
However, we do need to get one thing straight. Tanning beds are absolutely disgusting and vile mechanisms. I know, I know: you crave the warmth of the lights in the winter time and you think it helps diminish any imperfections or dimples on your body. Well I have two bits of advice for you:
1.) Save the money you would spend on your tanning pass and buy a flight to the Caribbean each winter
2.) Join a gym and start lifting weights and you won't need the extra camouflage
While you are at it, you need to refrain from being so gullible in believing that those ultra violent lights are a healthy alternative to a daily dose of a Vitamin D pill. Do you think it is natural for your body to smell like the burning flesh in a concentration camp when your 20 minutes is up and the bed shuts off? Yuck!
One morning you are going to wake up and look in the mirror and notice that your face is aging. The time is going to come sooner than later, but wouldn't you much rather have it come later? I hate to break it to you, but you look like a leather handbag when you are unnaturally tan!
Worse than that, one day you are going to have babies whose little lives you want to watch unfold and you are going to read about tanning beds being the #1 cause of cancer (being likened to mustard gas of all things) and you are going to worry when every new mole surfaces on your body. Your brother-in-law is going to die of brain cancer as a young father in a disease that he has no control over and yet you are choosing to subject your body to such harm? Shame on you! You know better! Stop being so proud of the fact that you do not take harmful chemicals like tea, coffee, tobacco and alcohol into your body, but then continue to be addicted to what it takes to have a good suntan. If you can justify those actions, then you clearly do not have things figured out.
Now I don't think that you should walk around with a parasol, but for heavens sake girl; start taking care of your skin! Enjoy the beach and all that summer has to offer, but be a little smarter about cancer prevention! Hopefully the only repercussion for your foolish discretion we will have to deal with are the fine lines on your face!
Love,
Your older, wiser and much more pale self.
PS: Just wait, there are more times ahead that I sound just like our mother!
As you will find with many things, it is amazing the change of perspective being a mother and taking a few steps back will have on you. You are going to say and do many remarkable things in the next 15 years of your life and you will also make decisions and react in ways you will be less than proud of. I am not going to stand in the way of those less than proud decisions as they will help you learn and blossom. They will teach you to not be so quick to judge and to keep your mouth closed at certain times. Don't waste time regretting those moments because they are part of the intricate weaving in the tapestry of your life.
However, we do need to get one thing straight. Tanning beds are absolutely disgusting and vile mechanisms. I know, I know: you crave the warmth of the lights in the winter time and you think it helps diminish any imperfections or dimples on your body. Well I have two bits of advice for you:
1.) Save the money you would spend on your tanning pass and buy a flight to the Caribbean each winter
2.) Join a gym and start lifting weights and you won't need the extra camouflage
While you are at it, you need to refrain from being so gullible in believing that those ultra violent lights are a healthy alternative to a daily dose of a Vitamin D pill. Do you think it is natural for your body to smell like the burning flesh in a concentration camp when your 20 minutes is up and the bed shuts off? Yuck!
One morning you are going to wake up and look in the mirror and notice that your face is aging. The time is going to come sooner than later, but wouldn't you much rather have it come later? I hate to break it to you, but you look like a leather handbag when you are unnaturally tan!
Worse than that, one day you are going to have babies whose little lives you want to watch unfold and you are going to read about tanning beds being the #1 cause of cancer (being likened to mustard gas of all things) and you are going to worry when every new mole surfaces on your body. Your brother-in-law is going to die of brain cancer as a young father in a disease that he has no control over and yet you are choosing to subject your body to such harm? Shame on you! You know better! Stop being so proud of the fact that you do not take harmful chemicals like tea, coffee, tobacco and alcohol into your body, but then continue to be addicted to what it takes to have a good suntan. If you can justify those actions, then you clearly do not have things figured out.
Now I don't think that you should walk around with a parasol, but for heavens sake girl; start taking care of your skin! Enjoy the beach and all that summer has to offer, but be a little smarter about cancer prevention! Hopefully the only repercussion for your foolish discretion we will have to deal with are the fine lines on your face!
Love,
Your older, wiser and much more pale self.
PS: Just wait, there are more times ahead that I sound just like our mother!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Cynthia in California
To my 22 year old self:
I want to start with this-you are an amazing, gifted, young lady. You walk tall and you look the world in the eye. You smile big and let little offend you or shake you. People see you as beautiful and full of life. They draw near you to be around your carefree, positive spirit. They lean on you for strength and you are willing to help them. You are good with people and you try very hard to accommodate their needs. But I know you, you are a performer and you are drained by pretending that you are strong, when in the corner of your room you cry. You are uncertain, betrayed, embarrassed, and angry….and no one knows.
Life is not easy right now. You feel that the foundation you have built your life on has fallen from under you. You are uncertain where to place your trust. Your family no longer actively pursues the gospel. What your parents have taught you does not seem to apply to them anymore. What are you to think of their teachings? Do you trust them? Do you obey them? In addition, the divorce has left you leery of everything your family has stood for. What is a family? What is my family to me? Is this the beginning of lost relationships and “different ways?” Do you have security? Safety? Love? Is it a “fend for yourself” situation? I know these are your thoughts and rightfully so. But I am here to tell you, it will be okay. This is actually the beginning of strength, support, unbreakable bonds, love and ironically…unity within your family. And although your family will always be your strength, they will not be your foundation and that’s okay. We are not a traditional family and we are not perfect, but we are a family and we love each other. Remember to share your life with them; they will be your strength. They will hold you up, build you up. Each one of them…every individual in your family supports you in your decisions. They may not agree at times, but they support you and they never pull you down. They genuinely want you to be happy and this becomes more evident as you get older. They will be the one consistent, reliable support in your life….your backbone.
Listen to your mother. She is usually right. Seldom do you agree with her the first time; she is eccentric to you at first glance. But as you sit in your room and process her thoughts and theories, you manage to pull truths from what she says. She is wise and she knows you very well. If nothing else….just listen. She becomes the voice in your head telling you “you can do it”. Encouraging you to take that step and any thought that comes to your mind is not too big for you to accomplish in her eyes. She is your personal Nike commercial…Just Do It! She is your biggest fan. She has much pride in you. Her love will make you feel accomplished and will build your self esteem as the years go on.
As for relationships: You have spent the last four years fighting for someone’s love. You have placed trust in him and he has failed you. Your best friend turned into your worst nightmare. You needed his approval and you lost yourself trying to get it. You allowed yourself to be used and abused for this man’s conditional love. You lost your soul and today you feel it. You feel ugly and unworthy of love. Your heart has never been more shattered by one person that it has by this man, even to this date. You found a deep hate, unfortunately for yourself. But this year you found a way to begin your journey away from him. I am not sure where you found the strength, but you found it. It is new for you today, and very difficult. But I am very proud of you. It is the best decision you have made. However, as a result of this decision you lose many of your close friends. You start over alone. And I am proud to say, it is a permanent decision. You never go back. Unfortunately, your hurt causes you to become calloused and once again you are at a loss of where to place your trust. Where do you build your foundation?
Regardless of your lack of trust, you find people to be fascinating; you learn so much of who you are through these people. You are not quick to judge, but you are quick to forgive. You will be criticized for this character trait…ignore them and forgive anyway…it is an attribute that has blessed you with good people in your life and less drama. Naturally, you admire each individual person for who they are and try to breathe in what it is they have to offer you. However, you learn that people come in and out of your life, and very few of them stay. Don’t be upset by this…it is just a matter of fact. Transition is a part of life and you do all you can to help people with new transitions. You are blessed to have them in your life for that short time, but also know they will move on. Be happy for them, you’ll find joy in that. You learn to enjoy the company you have, but you never expect loyalty from them. As a result, you are nonchalant with your friendship/relationships…never fully attached. People mistake it for independence…even you mistake it for independence. You might even hurry people to “transition” before you get too attached. However, don’t be quick to push them out; there will be few who surprise you and never leave you.
This is a year of self-reflecting, which sucks…I’ll be honest. But it brings about an inner strength. You find your foundation within yourself. You identify your belief system…in religion, within yourself, and of others. This is a push start to uphill achievements. You hit many obstacles, have thoughts and insecurities that test you, but because of your new foundation/belief system you overcome such trials. And one day, you self-reflect and will genuinely say, “I’m proud of you.” Stick to your belief system, it is your stability. Keep your family close; they are your backbone, without them you are weak. And learn from your friends; they are your examples.
love,
c
I want to start with this-you are an amazing, gifted, young lady. You walk tall and you look the world in the eye. You smile big and let little offend you or shake you. People see you as beautiful and full of life. They draw near you to be around your carefree, positive spirit. They lean on you for strength and you are willing to help them. You are good with people and you try very hard to accommodate their needs. But I know you, you are a performer and you are drained by pretending that you are strong, when in the corner of your room you cry. You are uncertain, betrayed, embarrassed, and angry….and no one knows.
Life is not easy right now. You feel that the foundation you have built your life on has fallen from under you. You are uncertain where to place your trust. Your family no longer actively pursues the gospel. What your parents have taught you does not seem to apply to them anymore. What are you to think of their teachings? Do you trust them? Do you obey them? In addition, the divorce has left you leery of everything your family has stood for. What is a family? What is my family to me? Is this the beginning of lost relationships and “different ways?” Do you have security? Safety? Love? Is it a “fend for yourself” situation? I know these are your thoughts and rightfully so. But I am here to tell you, it will be okay. This is actually the beginning of strength, support, unbreakable bonds, love and ironically…unity within your family. And although your family will always be your strength, they will not be your foundation and that’s okay. We are not a traditional family and we are not perfect, but we are a family and we love each other. Remember to share your life with them; they will be your strength. They will hold you up, build you up. Each one of them…every individual in your family supports you in your decisions. They may not agree at times, but they support you and they never pull you down. They genuinely want you to be happy and this becomes more evident as you get older. They will be the one consistent, reliable support in your life….your backbone.
Listen to your mother. She is usually right. Seldom do you agree with her the first time; she is eccentric to you at first glance. But as you sit in your room and process her thoughts and theories, you manage to pull truths from what she says. She is wise and she knows you very well. If nothing else….just listen. She becomes the voice in your head telling you “you can do it”. Encouraging you to take that step and any thought that comes to your mind is not too big for you to accomplish in her eyes. She is your personal Nike commercial…Just Do It! She is your biggest fan. She has much pride in you. Her love will make you feel accomplished and will build your self esteem as the years go on.
As for relationships: You have spent the last four years fighting for someone’s love. You have placed trust in him and he has failed you. Your best friend turned into your worst nightmare. You needed his approval and you lost yourself trying to get it. You allowed yourself to be used and abused for this man’s conditional love. You lost your soul and today you feel it. You feel ugly and unworthy of love. Your heart has never been more shattered by one person that it has by this man, even to this date. You found a deep hate, unfortunately for yourself. But this year you found a way to begin your journey away from him. I am not sure where you found the strength, but you found it. It is new for you today, and very difficult. But I am very proud of you. It is the best decision you have made. However, as a result of this decision you lose many of your close friends. You start over alone. And I am proud to say, it is a permanent decision. You never go back. Unfortunately, your hurt causes you to become calloused and once again you are at a loss of where to place your trust. Where do you build your foundation?
Regardless of your lack of trust, you find people to be fascinating; you learn so much of who you are through these people. You are not quick to judge, but you are quick to forgive. You will be criticized for this character trait…ignore them and forgive anyway…it is an attribute that has blessed you with good people in your life and less drama. Naturally, you admire each individual person for who they are and try to breathe in what it is they have to offer you. However, you learn that people come in and out of your life, and very few of them stay. Don’t be upset by this…it is just a matter of fact. Transition is a part of life and you do all you can to help people with new transitions. You are blessed to have them in your life for that short time, but also know they will move on. Be happy for them, you’ll find joy in that. You learn to enjoy the company you have, but you never expect loyalty from them. As a result, you are nonchalant with your friendship/relationships…never fully attached. People mistake it for independence…even you mistake it for independence. You might even hurry people to “transition” before you get too attached. However, don’t be quick to push them out; there will be few who surprise you and never leave you.
This is a year of self-reflecting, which sucks…I’ll be honest. But it brings about an inner strength. You find your foundation within yourself. You identify your belief system…in religion, within yourself, and of others. This is a push start to uphill achievements. You hit many obstacles, have thoughts and insecurities that test you, but because of your new foundation/belief system you overcome such trials. And one day, you self-reflect and will genuinely say, “I’m proud of you.” Stick to your belief system, it is your stability. Keep your family close; they are your backbone, without them you are weak. And learn from your friends; they are your examples.
love,
c
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Farrah in LA
Dear Me at 10 Months Ago.
Don't take that job.
I know you think you'd be stupid not to. I know there is not a silver lining in sight. But trust me. Ten months from now, when it has been made spectacularly clear that there is no way to progress in this company and you've sacrificed your weekends and even some of your self-respect for something you thought would be a smart, short-term solution, you will regret the ten months lost on your search for a real career. You remember how we cried that night because you found out accepting this job would mean they would expect you to work on Sundays and you began interviewing friends for their experiences working on the Sabbath? Well, this job isn't like their jobs. This job is below your skill level, below your experience level and to lower your standards simply because you feel stupid not taking a job when the economy is so awful...well, that's an unusually pessimistic attitude for you and you should know better than to operate off of fear rather than faith.
You asked yourself that night if taking this job showed a lack of faith. If accepting the terms that you would knowingly break the Sabbath showed disrespect toward the many blessings the Lord has shown doors to in the past. Well, I'm here to tell you, Ten-Months-Ago Me, IT DOES.
You're resourceful and you're experienced. Focus on a job that is in a logical field related to your professional experience. Because when you find out that all the promises you received of expansion and opportunity are all bullshit, you'll regret the time you lost and the sacrifices you made for a job you never really wanted to begin with.
Be smart. Don't panic. Focus.
-Me.
Don't take that job.
I know you think you'd be stupid not to. I know there is not a silver lining in sight. But trust me. Ten months from now, when it has been made spectacularly clear that there is no way to progress in this company and you've sacrificed your weekends and even some of your self-respect for something you thought would be a smart, short-term solution, you will regret the ten months lost on your search for a real career. You remember how we cried that night because you found out accepting this job would mean they would expect you to work on Sundays and you began interviewing friends for their experiences working on the Sabbath? Well, this job isn't like their jobs. This job is below your skill level, below your experience level and to lower your standards simply because you feel stupid not taking a job when the economy is so awful...well, that's an unusually pessimistic attitude for you and you should know better than to operate off of fear rather than faith.
You asked yourself that night if taking this job showed a lack of faith. If accepting the terms that you would knowingly break the Sabbath showed disrespect toward the many blessings the Lord has shown doors to in the past. Well, I'm here to tell you, Ten-Months-Ago Me, IT DOES.
You're resourceful and you're experienced. Focus on a job that is in a logical field related to your professional experience. Because when you find out that all the promises you received of expansion and opportunity are all bullshit, you'll regret the time you lost and the sacrifices you made for a job you never really wanted to begin with.
Be smart. Don't panic. Focus.
-Me.
Monday, June 29, 2009
M in Orange County
Dear Me 23 after graduating from college,
You are blessed with the quality of being at peace with life and it’s challenges. But with that peace comes complacency. Take more risks, get more involved, and do the things that you daydream about. Look for opportunities that help you stretch and grow out of your comfort zone. Don’t be okay with the status quo.
You also have a hard time asking for help and relying on others when going through difficult times. You have a tendency to be strong and silent in your emotional relationships with others. You keep a little border up between you and those you are closest with. You are a consistent, dependable, and stable friend to others but, you internalize every stressful emotion on your own. Please give others the opportunity to help and serve you. You don’t have to be so independent. When you go to others for help your relationships will grow. You might think you know what is best for you, but getting another person’s perspective is also just as valuable. Ask for help and don’t be afraid to admit your vulnerabilities. There are many people who have had similar experiences that will be able to help you in times of despair. Don’t assume that others will think it a burden to help you, even in the small things like asking for a ride to the airport. If you don’t learn to rely on others you will at times feel very alone.
Nourish your friendships and relationships by sharing with them how you feel about them. Focus on the good in others and tell them often how important they are to you. This may be difficult since you aren’t used to hearing these things, but this will also help your relationships to be strengthened. The friendships and relationships you have during your early twenties to the present are going to be your lifeline. Keep those people in your life who genuinely have your best interests at heart closest to you. Always remember that you have a great deal to share with others and don’t be afraid to let others in to see all the good you have to offer.
Me at 33
You are blessed with the quality of being at peace with life and it’s challenges. But with that peace comes complacency. Take more risks, get more involved, and do the things that you daydream about. Look for opportunities that help you stretch and grow out of your comfort zone. Don’t be okay with the status quo.
You also have a hard time asking for help and relying on others when going through difficult times. You have a tendency to be strong and silent in your emotional relationships with others. You keep a little border up between you and those you are closest with. You are a consistent, dependable, and stable friend to others but, you internalize every stressful emotion on your own. Please give others the opportunity to help and serve you. You don’t have to be so independent. When you go to others for help your relationships will grow. You might think you know what is best for you, but getting another person’s perspective is also just as valuable. Ask for help and don’t be afraid to admit your vulnerabilities. There are many people who have had similar experiences that will be able to help you in times of despair. Don’t assume that others will think it a burden to help you, even in the small things like asking for a ride to the airport. If you don’t learn to rely on others you will at times feel very alone.
Nourish your friendships and relationships by sharing with them how you feel about them. Focus on the good in others and tell them often how important they are to you. This may be difficult since you aren’t used to hearing these things, but this will also help your relationships to be strengthened. The friendships and relationships you have during your early twenties to the present are going to be your lifeline. Keep those people in your life who genuinely have your best interests at heart closest to you. Always remember that you have a great deal to share with others and don’t be afraid to let others in to see all the good you have to offer.
Me at 33
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