Listen pal, time is of the essence here so make sure you pay attention. Next month, right after your thirteenth birthday, that super cute girl Heather is going to ask to talk to you after church. She will tell you that she wrote you a letter but was too afraid to mail it. She will walk you to that secluded alley behind the parsonage. She will then stand in silence, playing with her slap bracelets. Listen to me. She wants you to kiss her. You need to kiss her. I know you will be distracted because you are playing spies with your friend Jason and you were not supposed to leave your post in the foyer. You will feel fidgety and keep checking your watch. Trust me, this is more important. No foreign enemies will invade through the front doors of the church. You will never become a spy. Ever. You will, however, continue to want to kiss girls. Kiss her. It'll change your life. Even if you don't kiss her, at the very least stop pretending like their is a phone hidden in your shoe. No one will ever buy that.