dear jane,
hey kiddo. {dad always called me kiddo. and i'm fond of the term.} it's me, just a ways down the road. a little older, a few more wrinkles, and a heck of a lot wiser. since twenty-five years ago, the great www. has been invented and has connected you to the most inspiring, beautiful world. you currently dwell in such a pond of happiness, that your mind just oozes with gratitude. besides that, you're well-traveled and your perspective on life has matured. you are the core of a beautiful family, a family that you spent your entire childhood dreaming of. but, before you reach these moments... there are a few things we need to re-visit...
the most important thing i want emphasize to my younger self-
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!
~Shakespeare
and then, a few other things - i'll use a list, because, i love making lists.
1} do not perm your hair. do not perm your hair every three months for about six years.
2} do not wear make-up in fifth grade, wait till later. {i don't know why your mother allows you to do these things. i'm still baffled by this.}
3} do not start tanning in tanning beds when you're like 12! down the road, you will do so much traveling to exotic places, a tan will be a bonus. you do not need to look tan for boys to like you, now. or, to be noticed. you can be white & beautiful.
4} do not spend so much time, thinking about boys. or doing things to get noticed by boys. better yourself - nurture your love of the arts so you can fill your time with quality talents, enjoy the passion that you have for creating. against your own thoughts, your dad will support you in being artistic... you don't have to study business, math, etc. to please him. your bond with your dad is fiercely strong but quiet, allow it to be what you need. fill your time with these things, instead of boys. you do not need a boyfriend to feel secure. don't fall in love, live your life a little first, you don't need boys so young - not at 12, 14, 16.
mark twain said,
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
... as a young adult, you will join forces with the most amazing man, he dotes on you endlessly and loves you for all you are. you are a powerful team, he's truly god-sent. and you will explore, discover. it will be unreal - so, don't use your teenage years looking for love.
5} do keep dreaming. your entire childhood you are aware of your desires to dream, and this little seed in your soul that feels like you can conquer the world - nourish it - you were born a confident, positive force. noticing good before bad is just normal to you... you won't realize this till you're about sixteen. at this point, when you start to share your dreams out loud, your mom may start to shut you down. she's not a dreamer. she's very practical, and lacks the kind of confidence you have. this can only mean one thing, you will clash. don't let your flame diminish - in reality, you don't. but there will be challenging days. and delays. life will get better, sooner rather than later.
6} between the ages of 8-18, you may not even understand this word to it's fullest captivity, but stop coveting. be happy with what you have. even if it seems like very little. it's enough. yes, there are years where your family doesn't have a car, or tv, or the latest nintendo... or, what you covet the most - family. your parents and the situation you are in can. not. change. so, love those around you for how it is. life is going to give you so much beyond your wildest imaginations later, especially in the realm of family. realize now that the simplest things in life bring happiness, your soul will be happy. with this being said, find adults you can trust, who are honest - they are there, it just might take some searching for them.
7} with these first six, embrace everything about you. to thine own self be true. find the courage in your soul to express how you feel, speak up, about everything - your weaknesses, your personal struggles with religion, and let those around you know how you feel. do not feel small or insignificant because of the storms you've weathered at such a young age. embrace it all, and you will grow. you are a very emotional creature, channel those emotions to help you grow. use those emotions towards your creativity.
after these seven things, be yourself. i promise, you will be happy. the happiest you have ever been. you will be loved, so completely. you have so much potential, you just need to discover it a little sooner.
one day, you will have four children, and you will celebrate their individuality. in fact, you will over-encourage them to be authentic. making sure that they don't perm their hair, don't wear make-up in fifth grade, don't go tanning too young, or go seeking the attention of boys to help them feel secure. you will saturate them with your love, and you will fight for their passions, and what makes them happy. it will make your heart feel like it beats on the outside of your body, the love is so strong.
and, when you reach here, 2011, you'll have a new perspective of your parents. there will still be sorrows, but you will have a better understanding. and, 2011 rocks.
to thine own self be true.
xo,
Jane
Monday, April 18, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Jayd in Austin
Hey, dude. It’s me. Well, actually, you. Just 25 years in the future. I know that sounds entirely creepy, but it’s true. You see, in the future (and this is one of the few things in the future that is truly mind-blowing) there’s this thing called a blog and you’ve (I’ve?) been asked to write something for it. Picture a fanzine but accessible through a computer and available to almost everyone in the world. It’s insane and you won’t be able to remember how you lived without it.
So, yeah, this is you in the future. Knowing how your brain works, right now you are (a) wondering what has become of you and (b) completely questioning the credibility of this. So, let’s just tackle those questions upfront. First off, the future is a bizarre place where you are shaving regularly (well, still only a couple of times per week to be perfectly honest) and having sex (and, even when that is only a couple of times per week, you aren’t complaining in the least). Yes, you actually marry. Yes, you actually have kids. And (shockingly, to be honest), yes, you actually like your job. The future is actually awesome. Look forward to it, but don’t rush it. The ride to get there is plenty awesome as well. Secondly, let’s address that credibility issue. Here you go – 25 years on, you would still take a bullet in defense of “Psychocandy” being the greatest album ever. Oh, yes. Now, I know what you are thinking – “I’m an old man clinging to the past! Argh!”. Don’t worry there are 25 great years of music ahead of you and you are still on top of it. But, there’s still just something about “Psychocandy” that nothing else has been able to trump.
So, I’m rambling a bit (dad’s pet peeve about your writing style to this day; don’t change it man, just keep rockin’ the overdose of commas and parentheticals; it’s how your brain works). Let’s get to the point here – it’s time for some advice. Yeah, I know that sounds all old and stodgy, but, dude, trust me, this is still you. The energy and drive are still there (I’m actually writing this on 3-hours of sleep in an airport heading to a big corporate presentation today harnessing immense game face; lack of energy never becomes a problem). Now, on with the old-guy-to-young-guy stuff. Cool?
1 – Follow the Prophet. Yes, there it is in the #1 slot. There were a lot of different things that I could say here (“live the Gospel”, “obey the commandments”, etc), but “follow the Prophet” is ultimately all you need to know. If there is nothing else you remember from this (and I’m sure you are 84% tuned out already), just remember: follow the prophet. Why? Well, here’s how it breaks down: If there is truly a living Prophet on the earth, sent from God, then that’s kind of a big deal, right? Yeah, completely. It’s a huge deal. So, attach yourself to that huge deal. Listen to what he has to say and follow it. Don’t sweat whether you understand everything or not yet, just follow it. If it’s from God, then who are you to overanalyze it, right? Totally. Focus more on making it happen than on understanding everything in full detail. The prophet will point you to everything else of worth – read the Book of Mormon, live clean, start a family, get a solid education, man up and be a provider, don’t be a deadbeat dad, etc. If it’s important for you to know, than trust me, you’ll hear it from him. So, we got this one? Follow the prophet. Trust me, you’ll never regret it.
(Reminder: Everything that follows below is far less important than what we just went through. So, should you ever get confused, just remember to follow the prophet).
2 – Be humble. Yes, it’s fun to act arrogant to push people’s buttons. It’s an easy one and I’m not sure you’ll ever get over the temptation. But, seriously, while you may jokingly act like that guy, don’t ever be that guy. Just don’t do it. Stay self-aware. The world is a big place and you are not the sun in the universe, so don’t ever think/exude that. Cool? OK. Seriously, be confident, be strong, be bold, etc, but don’t ever be arrogant. If you don’t know the difference yet, figure it out (hint: constant and complete gratitude is a secret ingredient here).
3 – Be mature. Let me make this super easy: Take serious things seriously. Notice, I didn’t say “don’t have fun”. I didn’t say “be serious”. I simply said “be mature”. Notice serious moments and respect them. This is huge.
4 – Be kind. This one is simple – just be cool to everybody. Done. If you are humble and mature, this will come naturally.
5 – Read like mad. I don’t necessarily care what you read as long as it’s clean and at least somewhat engaging to your brain cells. Just read. A lot. And read different things. A lot of your experience and understanding in life will come through reading. You simply can’t personally experience all there is to experience, so at least read about it. This will be a huge asset to you in connecting with other people.
6 – Travel. If you had any idea how much I’ve been able to travel, you’d be really tripped out. Look forward it. Embrace it. But, don’t ever carry a “the way we do things in my part of the world is superior” vibe (reminder: be humble). Keep your mind and eyes open. The world is a huge and beautiful place. Dude, I’m jealous of the places you are going to go. Be grateful for all of it.
7 – “Never lose that feeling”. Dude, nobody will ever know you like you know yourself. That may sound like a curse, but honestly it’s pretty awesome. Don’t do anything to disturb the natural vibe/signal/energy that you have (hint: following the prophet will keep your signal alive). Be grateful for some of the internal blessings that God and your family have passed down to you.
8 – Listen to the Spirit. I’m going to close on this because this is the only piece of advice that could possibly topple “follow the prophet” for the #1 slot (and it’s definitely advice that the prophet will give you repeatedly; follow it). Keep your mind and hands clean. This world has some ugliness and you are smart enough to recognize it. Avoid it at all costs. Be perfectly honest and able to look any person alive straight in the eyes and know that you are good. That’s a very powerful feeling (hint: this is the secret ingredient for confidence). Live by the Spirit. To quote one of your future Bishops: “Once you feel the Spirit, you never want to lose that”.
So, in conclusion, just know this – it may be 25 years in the future (and you may be sitting in an airport pre-dawn in a business suit as you write this), but you are still 100% you. Your face is more wrinkled, your hair is less plentiful (and less pigmented), your waistline is less trimmed-out, and your responsibilities are far heavier, but your joys are far exquisite. It’s a great time and you will love it. Live clean and get there.
So, yeah, this is you in the future. Knowing how your brain works, right now you are (a) wondering what has become of you and (b) completely questioning the credibility of this. So, let’s just tackle those questions upfront. First off, the future is a bizarre place where you are shaving regularly (well, still only a couple of times per week to be perfectly honest) and having sex (and, even when that is only a couple of times per week, you aren’t complaining in the least). Yes, you actually marry. Yes, you actually have kids. And (shockingly, to be honest), yes, you actually like your job. The future is actually awesome. Look forward to it, but don’t rush it. The ride to get there is plenty awesome as well. Secondly, let’s address that credibility issue. Here you go – 25 years on, you would still take a bullet in defense of “Psychocandy” being the greatest album ever. Oh, yes. Now, I know what you are thinking – “I’m an old man clinging to the past! Argh!”. Don’t worry there are 25 great years of music ahead of you and you are still on top of it. But, there’s still just something about “Psychocandy” that nothing else has been able to trump.
So, I’m rambling a bit (dad’s pet peeve about your writing style to this day; don’t change it man, just keep rockin’ the overdose of commas and parentheticals; it’s how your brain works). Let’s get to the point here – it’s time for some advice. Yeah, I know that sounds all old and stodgy, but, dude, trust me, this is still you. The energy and drive are still there (I’m actually writing this on 3-hours of sleep in an airport heading to a big corporate presentation today harnessing immense game face; lack of energy never becomes a problem). Now, on with the old-guy-to-young-guy stuff. Cool?
1 – Follow the Prophet. Yes, there it is in the #1 slot. There were a lot of different things that I could say here (“live the Gospel”, “obey the commandments”, etc), but “follow the Prophet” is ultimately all you need to know. If there is nothing else you remember from this (and I’m sure you are 84% tuned out already), just remember: follow the prophet. Why? Well, here’s how it breaks down: If there is truly a living Prophet on the earth, sent from God, then that’s kind of a big deal, right? Yeah, completely. It’s a huge deal. So, attach yourself to that huge deal. Listen to what he has to say and follow it. Don’t sweat whether you understand everything or not yet, just follow it. If it’s from God, then who are you to overanalyze it, right? Totally. Focus more on making it happen than on understanding everything in full detail. The prophet will point you to everything else of worth – read the Book of Mormon, live clean, start a family, get a solid education, man up and be a provider, don’t be a deadbeat dad, etc. If it’s important for you to know, than trust me, you’ll hear it from him. So, we got this one? Follow the prophet. Trust me, you’ll never regret it.
(Reminder: Everything that follows below is far less important than what we just went through. So, should you ever get confused, just remember to follow the prophet).
2 – Be humble. Yes, it’s fun to act arrogant to push people’s buttons. It’s an easy one and I’m not sure you’ll ever get over the temptation. But, seriously, while you may jokingly act like that guy, don’t ever be that guy. Just don’t do it. Stay self-aware. The world is a big place and you are not the sun in the universe, so don’t ever think/exude that. Cool? OK. Seriously, be confident, be strong, be bold, etc, but don’t ever be arrogant. If you don’t know the difference yet, figure it out (hint: constant and complete gratitude is a secret ingredient here).
3 – Be mature. Let me make this super easy: Take serious things seriously. Notice, I didn’t say “don’t have fun”. I didn’t say “be serious”. I simply said “be mature”. Notice serious moments and respect them. This is huge.
4 – Be kind. This one is simple – just be cool to everybody. Done. If you are humble and mature, this will come naturally.
5 – Read like mad. I don’t necessarily care what you read as long as it’s clean and at least somewhat engaging to your brain cells. Just read. A lot. And read different things. A lot of your experience and understanding in life will come through reading. You simply can’t personally experience all there is to experience, so at least read about it. This will be a huge asset to you in connecting with other people.
6 – Travel. If you had any idea how much I’ve been able to travel, you’d be really tripped out. Look forward it. Embrace it. But, don’t ever carry a “the way we do things in my part of the world is superior” vibe (reminder: be humble). Keep your mind and eyes open. The world is a huge and beautiful place. Dude, I’m jealous of the places you are going to go. Be grateful for all of it.
7 – “Never lose that feeling”. Dude, nobody will ever know you like you know yourself. That may sound like a curse, but honestly it’s pretty awesome. Don’t do anything to disturb the natural vibe/signal/energy that you have (hint: following the prophet will keep your signal alive). Be grateful for some of the internal blessings that God and your family have passed down to you.
8 – Listen to the Spirit. I’m going to close on this because this is the only piece of advice that could possibly topple “follow the prophet” for the #1 slot (and it’s definitely advice that the prophet will give you repeatedly; follow it). Keep your mind and hands clean. This world has some ugliness and you are smart enough to recognize it. Avoid it at all costs. Be perfectly honest and able to look any person alive straight in the eyes and know that you are good. That’s a very powerful feeling (hint: this is the secret ingredient for confidence). Live by the Spirit. To quote one of your future Bishops: “Once you feel the Spirit, you never want to lose that”.
So, in conclusion, just know this – it may be 25 years in the future (and you may be sitting in an airport pre-dawn in a business suit as you write this), but you are still 100% you. Your face is more wrinkled, your hair is less plentiful (and less pigmented), your waistline is less trimmed-out, and your responsibilities are far heavier, but your joys are far exquisite. It’s a great time and you will love it. Live clean and get there.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Nat in Boston
Dear Nat—
Quit thinking you must have short hair because you have a long face. You will not look like a horse with long hair, I promise. Also. Wear shorts. You live in Arizona and it’s hot. You do not have unsightly legs, you’re just being ridiculous and clichéd with your needless body image issues.
So. Now that the trivial matters are out of the way.
Your dad always said he pitied those who never got past talking about the glory days of high school—because life is supposed to get better after high school. And I can promise you that it does. You were in a hurry to get out, and that was the right choice. Ten years after you graduate, you’re in a life more fabulous than you ever fathomed possible or thought you deserved.
Nat. To make a very long story short—you’re a rock star. You always have been, you simply let insecurity and fear own too much of your heart and your interactions with others. Quit that soon, because you’ll lose years of your life driving people away until you figure out how to both treat and communicate with them in the spirit of sensitivity and respect. You’re not a nasty person, but let’s be honest—sometimes you’re not a real joy to be around either. Never substitute being clever for being kind. Keep plugging away at self-improvement, you’ll get there. Once you turn the corner and figure out how to love yourself, the number of incredible people in your life will improve exponentially. With years of practice, you’ll transform yourself into a truly sensitive, thoughtful, loyal friend. This will become one of your defining characteristics and people respect this about you
.
You’ll learn resiliency as you encounter professional, social, romantic, and spiritual setbacks. You’ll learn to find the silver lining. Don’t focus so much on what’s wrong all the time; find the right and chase after it. In good news, there isn’t true regret, tragedy, or heartbreak looming on the horizon—just the continual heat felt from being in the refiner’s fire. Nat—it’s nothing you can’t handle, so don’t be so afraid. There’s no need to fear life; embrace it.
You’ll learn to love yourself by being completely alone. And alone doesn’t mean lonely dear girl—there’s a key difference. Alone means far from home, able to navigate life with a competence beyond your years. Instead of constantly checking your phone waiting for it to ring, you’ll gleefully check the increasing balance of your savings account and feel like you’ve really made it in the world. You’ll travel… a lot. Yes, because you want to, but also because you can. You learn to make things happen instead of waiting for them to happen to you.
The only true life regret you have at 28 is that you didn’t figure these things out earlier on. But it’s okay; you’d be a different person today if you’d figured it out sooner. And truth be told, you wouldn’t trade the today version of you for a different one. (You worked hard to smooth out all those rough edges!)
And that’s not just a silver lining, but a platinum one.
Quit thinking you must have short hair because you have a long face. You will not look like a horse with long hair, I promise. Also. Wear shorts. You live in Arizona and it’s hot. You do not have unsightly legs, you’re just being ridiculous and clichéd with your needless body image issues.
So. Now that the trivial matters are out of the way.
Your dad always said he pitied those who never got past talking about the glory days of high school—because life is supposed to get better after high school. And I can promise you that it does. You were in a hurry to get out, and that was the right choice. Ten years after you graduate, you’re in a life more fabulous than you ever fathomed possible or thought you deserved.
Nat. To make a very long story short—you’re a rock star. You always have been, you simply let insecurity and fear own too much of your heart and your interactions with others. Quit that soon, because you’ll lose years of your life driving people away until you figure out how to both treat and communicate with them in the spirit of sensitivity and respect. You’re not a nasty person, but let’s be honest—sometimes you’re not a real joy to be around either. Never substitute being clever for being kind. Keep plugging away at self-improvement, you’ll get there. Once you turn the corner and figure out how to love yourself, the number of incredible people in your life will improve exponentially. With years of practice, you’ll transform yourself into a truly sensitive, thoughtful, loyal friend. This will become one of your defining characteristics and people respect this about you
.
You’ll learn resiliency as you encounter professional, social, romantic, and spiritual setbacks. You’ll learn to find the silver lining. Don’t focus so much on what’s wrong all the time; find the right and chase after it. In good news, there isn’t true regret, tragedy, or heartbreak looming on the horizon—just the continual heat felt from being in the refiner’s fire. Nat—it’s nothing you can’t handle, so don’t be so afraid. There’s no need to fear life; embrace it.
You’ll learn to love yourself by being completely alone. And alone doesn’t mean lonely dear girl—there’s a key difference. Alone means far from home, able to navigate life with a competence beyond your years. Instead of constantly checking your phone waiting for it to ring, you’ll gleefully check the increasing balance of your savings account and feel like you’ve really made it in the world. You’ll travel… a lot. Yes, because you want to, but also because you can. You learn to make things happen instead of waiting for them to happen to you.
The only true life regret you have at 28 is that you didn’t figure these things out earlier on. But it’s okay; you’d be a different person today if you’d figured it out sooner. And truth be told, you wouldn’t trade the today version of you for a different one. (You worked hard to smooth out all those rough edges!)
And that’s not just a silver lining, but a platinum one.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
KC in COS
Dear 24,
Here's a tip, selfishness is the worst quality in a partner. Figure that out now and ten years from now you won't have to go for a 90 minute run on Christmas because some jerk picked that day to let you know he was getting married.
And yes, it's exactly who you think it is. Shut it down today. There are going to be dozens of good men in your life in the next decade and I'm afraid you might miss something great because you are too stubborn to give up on this "project."
You are major league my dear, quit messing around in the minors.
-34
Here's a tip, selfishness is the worst quality in a partner. Figure that out now and ten years from now you won't have to go for a 90 minute run on Christmas because some jerk picked that day to let you know he was getting married.
And yes, it's exactly who you think it is. Shut it down today. There are going to be dozens of good men in your life in the next decade and I'm afraid you might miss something great because you are too stubborn to give up on this "project."
You are major league my dear, quit messing around in the minors.
-34
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Ryan in CO
Dear me,
Listen pal, time is of the essence here so make sure you pay attention. Next month, right after your thirteenth birthday, that super cute girl Heather is going to ask to talk to you after church. She will tell you that she wrote you a letter but was too afraid to mail it. She will walk you to that secluded alley behind the parsonage. She will then stand in silence, playing with her slap bracelets. Listen to me. She wants you to kiss her. You need to kiss her. I know you will be distracted because you are playing spies with your friend Jason and you were not supposed to leave your post in the foyer. You will feel fidgety and keep checking your watch. Trust me, this is more important. No foreign enemies will invade through the front doors of the church. You will never become a spy. Ever. You will, however, continue to want to kiss girls. Kiss her. It'll change your life. Even if you don't kiss her, at the very least stop pretending like their is a phone hidden in your shoe. No one will ever buy that.
Love,
Ryan
Listen pal, time is of the essence here so make sure you pay attention. Next month, right after your thirteenth birthday, that super cute girl Heather is going to ask to talk to you after church. She will tell you that she wrote you a letter but was too afraid to mail it. She will walk you to that secluded alley behind the parsonage. She will then stand in silence, playing with her slap bracelets. Listen to me. She wants you to kiss her. You need to kiss her. I know you will be distracted because you are playing spies with your friend Jason and you were not supposed to leave your post in the foyer. You will feel fidgety and keep checking your watch. Trust me, this is more important. No foreign enemies will invade through the front doors of the church. You will never become a spy. Ever. You will, however, continue to want to kiss girls. Kiss her. It'll change your life. Even if you don't kiss her, at the very least stop pretending like their is a phone hidden in your shoe. No one will ever buy that.
Love,
Ryan
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Brooke in SLC
Dear You-
You have a flair for the dramatic. You are fiercely loyal. You are the most self-deprecating person I know (and that's not a compliment). You are emotional. You love vocabulary and music and art and puns and showtunes. Nerd. You are overly-sensitive. You are obsessed with movies a bit too much. You're very opinionated. You heart naps. There's always a song in your head. You love many people and many people love you. Some people just don't like you. You live to distinguish yourself. You work hard, but should work harder. You play hard, but should play harder. You know what you want. You're driven, stubborn, gregarious, and blunt. A little too blunt. You have big dreams. You are restless and anxious. You love to laugh. A lot. You sometimes hate yourself. You have loved much and lost. You have hurt others and have been hurt by others. Your heart has been broken. Your wrist has been broken. You adore your family. You love the Lord.
And you know what? It's ok. All of it. It's just ok. Learn to embrace who you are. It's the hardest lesson for you for some reason and it's so cliche. So cliche. Who cares. Just be ok with you. You. All of you. It's ok.
-Me
You have a flair for the dramatic. You are fiercely loyal. You are the most self-deprecating person I know (and that's not a compliment). You are emotional. You love vocabulary and music and art and puns and showtunes. Nerd. You are overly-sensitive. You are obsessed with movies a bit too much. You're very opinionated. You heart naps. There's always a song in your head. You love many people and many people love you. Some people just don't like you. You live to distinguish yourself. You work hard, but should work harder. You play hard, but should play harder. You know what you want. You're driven, stubborn, gregarious, and blunt. A little too blunt. You have big dreams. You are restless and anxious. You love to laugh. A lot. You sometimes hate yourself. You have loved much and lost. You have hurt others and have been hurt by others. Your heart has been broken. Your wrist has been broken. You adore your family. You love the Lord.
And you know what? It's ok. All of it. It's just ok. Learn to embrace who you are. It's the hardest lesson for you for some reason and it's so cliche. So cliche. Who cares. Just be ok with you. You. All of you. It's ok.
-Me
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Ulysses
Hey, Ulysses.
It’s me. Well, you actually, just older. Maybe a little wiser.
You’re 16 now, right? I want to lay a few things out that are about to going to happen to you. I’ll share with you a lot of what I went through and what I think about it now. I can’t spare you all the pain and sadness. I won’t lie. It was rough and pretty ugly. But, I do hope to save you from some of the avoidable things that made things worse.
Grab a diet coke. I know you like those.
You won’t find this out for another year, but Mom is sick. She has breast cancer. Believe me, I know how close you are. I know she’s your best friend. I know she’s the one who is the glue in the family. I know you get so much of your drive and passion and stubbornness from her.
She’ll be in and out of hospitals a lot. Chemo. Tests. Other stuff.
Mom and Dad won’t really tell you what is happening, so I’d encourage you to help them talk about it. Ask them to be honest. You’re mature enough to understand and, believe me, you’ll later appreciate the extra time you spend talking.
You’ll see Mom get more tired. More fragile. Be gentle with her and be helpful around the house. Don’t wait to be asked to do some of the little things. As it turns out, knowing how to iron and do you own laundry is actually useful. Shockingly, she won’t miss a minute of anything you do. She’ll bundle up for soccer games. She wouldn’t miss a concert for the world. You’ll do a saxophone solo your junior year that will move her to tears.
A little aside....It’s actually one hell of a performance you’ll give. You’ll turn other heads and will end up being invited to tour Europe with a band. You’ll play in London. Cut a record at Abbey Studio. Jam in the Tube. Through it all, you’ll actually learn how to play for real! Your senior year, you’ll earn best performance at the state music contest and the instructor will invite you to work with the guy from the college. You know the one. The best jazz saxophonist in Chicago. I ignored the invitation. I want to make sure you don’t. Music has always been important to you. I know how deeply it moves you. Don’t pass this up. Don’t be shy. Meet the guy. You never know.
Back to the story.
In your senior year, you’re going to be offered music and soccer scholarships. Unfortunately, the soccer opportunities are out of state. Mom is going to say something like this, “No matter what happens, I want you to go to school where you want. I want you to pursue your passion and be great.”. It is at this very moment that I’m sure you’ll realize, like I did, that something really bad is going on. Hopefully, you’ll have better luck finding out about this earlier than I did. But, this was the first time I knew Mom was really sick.
I stayed. I chose the local college. No, it wasn’t as good and I gave up both music and soccer so that I could be available for our younger brother and sister. But, I think this was the right decision. It has been rough at times, but I know they appreciated you being there.
You’re going to be called at work and told to get to the hospital as fast as you can. This is the last time you’ll see her. I know you’re hurt and I know you’re afraid to lose her, but be sweet. And not just to her but to Dad as well. Talk to your brother and sister and tell them it will be okay. I forgot to do that.
I won’t lie. The aftermath is horrible. Dad doesn’t have a clue about how to handle this and he’ll initially try to overcompensate.
Don’t beat him up over this one. But, talk to the guy. I know you’re no great conversationalist (neither is he, right?) and small talk is hard for you, but try to put yourself in his shoes. You lost your Mom but he lost his wife. He loved her too and since she was the glue in the family, he doesn’t know how or what to do.
Empathize. Ask if he’s okay. Take him to lunch.
I didn’t do any of this and I regret it. You'll find out that life is about connecting. And right now, you're really disconnected. Take the time and take the initiative to reconnect with him now.
Cause guess what?
He’s going to remarry next year.
And if you don’t step up to help rebuild the family too, you’re going to really, REALLY regret it. This may take maturity beyond your years and you may not see it coming. But, unless you take an active role in being part of the solution, your family will never, ever be the same. If you take anything away from this letter, let it be this. Take the time to heal.
As it turns out, she has three kids, too. Don’t get the wrong impression. She’s actually very nice and, generally, her kids are too. But, left to his own devices, Dad is going to rebuild his life as soon as possible. I think I understand why he did this. I still don’t agree with it. It wasn’t good for us, but it must have been something he had to do for him. I get that, I guess. And even though you’re just down the road, technically, you’re “away at school” and you’ll quickly find yourself left out. Of everything.
It took a long, long time for me to come to grips with all this. I think I could have avoided the worst of it had I only asked him to take more time to help us all heal. You’re going to be fine, one way or the other. You’re going to be a good husband and a good father. You’re going to be really good at what you do. I’d offer some hints like “my top 5 things to do”, but you know what? I’m only going to give you one...
“...the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle.”
You’ll appreciate the irony of that quote some day.
Good luck,
Ulysses
It’s me. Well, you actually, just older. Maybe a little wiser.
You’re 16 now, right? I want to lay a few things out that are about to going to happen to you. I’ll share with you a lot of what I went through and what I think about it now. I can’t spare you all the pain and sadness. I won’t lie. It was rough and pretty ugly. But, I do hope to save you from some of the avoidable things that made things worse.
Grab a diet coke. I know you like those.
You won’t find this out for another year, but Mom is sick. She has breast cancer. Believe me, I know how close you are. I know she’s your best friend. I know she’s the one who is the glue in the family. I know you get so much of your drive and passion and stubbornness from her.
She’ll be in and out of hospitals a lot. Chemo. Tests. Other stuff.
Mom and Dad won’t really tell you what is happening, so I’d encourage you to help them talk about it. Ask them to be honest. You’re mature enough to understand and, believe me, you’ll later appreciate the extra time you spend talking.
You’ll see Mom get more tired. More fragile. Be gentle with her and be helpful around the house. Don’t wait to be asked to do some of the little things. As it turns out, knowing how to iron and do you own laundry is actually useful. Shockingly, she won’t miss a minute of anything you do. She’ll bundle up for soccer games. She wouldn’t miss a concert for the world. You’ll do a saxophone solo your junior year that will move her to tears.
A little aside....It’s actually one hell of a performance you’ll give. You’ll turn other heads and will end up being invited to tour Europe with a band. You’ll play in London. Cut a record at Abbey Studio. Jam in the Tube. Through it all, you’ll actually learn how to play for real! Your senior year, you’ll earn best performance at the state music contest and the instructor will invite you to work with the guy from the college. You know the one. The best jazz saxophonist in Chicago. I ignored the invitation. I want to make sure you don’t. Music has always been important to you. I know how deeply it moves you. Don’t pass this up. Don’t be shy. Meet the guy. You never know.
Back to the story.
In your senior year, you’re going to be offered music and soccer scholarships. Unfortunately, the soccer opportunities are out of state. Mom is going to say something like this, “No matter what happens, I want you to go to school where you want. I want you to pursue your passion and be great.”. It is at this very moment that I’m sure you’ll realize, like I did, that something really bad is going on. Hopefully, you’ll have better luck finding out about this earlier than I did. But, this was the first time I knew Mom was really sick.
I stayed. I chose the local college. No, it wasn’t as good and I gave up both music and soccer so that I could be available for our younger brother and sister. But, I think this was the right decision. It has been rough at times, but I know they appreciated you being there.
You’re going to be called at work and told to get to the hospital as fast as you can. This is the last time you’ll see her. I know you’re hurt and I know you’re afraid to lose her, but be sweet. And not just to her but to Dad as well. Talk to your brother and sister and tell them it will be okay. I forgot to do that.
I won’t lie. The aftermath is horrible. Dad doesn’t have a clue about how to handle this and he’ll initially try to overcompensate.
Don’t beat him up over this one. But, talk to the guy. I know you’re no great conversationalist (neither is he, right?) and small talk is hard for you, but try to put yourself in his shoes. You lost your Mom but he lost his wife. He loved her too and since she was the glue in the family, he doesn’t know how or what to do.
Empathize. Ask if he’s okay. Take him to lunch.
I didn’t do any of this and I regret it. You'll find out that life is about connecting. And right now, you're really disconnected. Take the time and take the initiative to reconnect with him now.
Cause guess what?
He’s going to remarry next year.
And if you don’t step up to help rebuild the family too, you’re going to really, REALLY regret it. This may take maturity beyond your years and you may not see it coming. But, unless you take an active role in being part of the solution, your family will never, ever be the same. If you take anything away from this letter, let it be this. Take the time to heal.
As it turns out, she has three kids, too. Don’t get the wrong impression. She’s actually very nice and, generally, her kids are too. But, left to his own devices, Dad is going to rebuild his life as soon as possible. I think I understand why he did this. I still don’t agree with it. It wasn’t good for us, but it must have been something he had to do for him. I get that, I guess. And even though you’re just down the road, technically, you’re “away at school” and you’ll quickly find yourself left out. Of everything.
It took a long, long time for me to come to grips with all this. I think I could have avoided the worst of it had I only asked him to take more time to help us all heal. You’re going to be fine, one way or the other. You’re going to be a good husband and a good father. You’re going to be really good at what you do. I’d offer some hints like “my top 5 things to do”, but you know what? I’m only going to give you one...
“...the most important thing in life is not the triumph but the struggle.”
You’ll appreciate the irony of that quote some day.
Good luck,
Ulysses
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Sunshine
Dear Sunshine,
It’s been a long time since you have gone by that name. You shed it in the 3rd grade almost like you were trying to re-invent yourself; even at such a young age. This letter is hard for me to write to you because I wish I could tell you that everything is okay. But it’s not. Not like life should be.
Let me just start by telling you the good. You are happily married- going on 10 years. You adore your husband and in return he “gets” you. He understands, sometimes better than you, how you feel. He makes you laugh, he holds your hand, and he gives you space. You have 3 beautiful girls. They are the light of your life even in the dark moments when you want to run away. You are a little over protective and you sometimes yell too much, but you try to keep things in check and give them the childhood you never really, truly had.
It’s been almost 30 years since both your stepbrother and stepfather sexually abused you. You have never really let yourself deal with the pain and devastation this caused you. While you were strong enough to wake your mother up in the middle of the night to tell her, you never let her get you the help you needed. You are so strong, but that is almost a detriment to you. Intellectually you can talk about what happened, but emotionally you just don’t go to that dark place.
Sweet Sunshine… it wasn’t your fault. You never did anything to encourage this and you couldn’t have stopped it.
I wish I could tell you that you didn’t fall into the stereotype for an abused girl. You become promiscuous and get pregnant at 17. You didn’t have the baby. You end up viewing sex as a form of power, not intimacy. You deal with depression pretty much all of you life. The kicker is, most people who know you now, would never use that word to describe you. You are VERY good at hiding your true feelings. Oxymoron is your favorite word. Because that is what you are. On the surface you are an open book. You can and do thrive in any situation. You can talk about any topic. Except what you REALLY feel. What you REALLY think about. You give the impression that you are totally laidback, but really you are a closet control freak.
Please don’t be sad by this letter. You survived. You have a wonderful life that brings you joy and happiness. You have friends and family who love you. I can’t promise that the deep sadness will go away. But what I can promise is that your 34-year-old self will do everything she can to make sure that your 50-year-old self can look back and smile. I want, so very bad, for her to be proud of us. You, for surviving this horrible thing. And me for finally understanding that I had no control.
Me
It’s been a long time since you have gone by that name. You shed it in the 3rd grade almost like you were trying to re-invent yourself; even at such a young age. This letter is hard for me to write to you because I wish I could tell you that everything is okay. But it’s not. Not like life should be.
Let me just start by telling you the good. You are happily married- going on 10 years. You adore your husband and in return he “gets” you. He understands, sometimes better than you, how you feel. He makes you laugh, he holds your hand, and he gives you space. You have 3 beautiful girls. They are the light of your life even in the dark moments when you want to run away. You are a little over protective and you sometimes yell too much, but you try to keep things in check and give them the childhood you never really, truly had.
It’s been almost 30 years since both your stepbrother and stepfather sexually abused you. You have never really let yourself deal with the pain and devastation this caused you. While you were strong enough to wake your mother up in the middle of the night to tell her, you never let her get you the help you needed. You are so strong, but that is almost a detriment to you. Intellectually you can talk about what happened, but emotionally you just don’t go to that dark place.
Sweet Sunshine… it wasn’t your fault. You never did anything to encourage this and you couldn’t have stopped it.
I wish I could tell you that you didn’t fall into the stereotype for an abused girl. You become promiscuous and get pregnant at 17. You didn’t have the baby. You end up viewing sex as a form of power, not intimacy. You deal with depression pretty much all of you life. The kicker is, most people who know you now, would never use that word to describe you. You are VERY good at hiding your true feelings. Oxymoron is your favorite word. Because that is what you are. On the surface you are an open book. You can and do thrive in any situation. You can talk about any topic. Except what you REALLY feel. What you REALLY think about. You give the impression that you are totally laidback, but really you are a closet control freak.
Please don’t be sad by this letter. You survived. You have a wonderful life that brings you joy and happiness. You have friends and family who love you. I can’t promise that the deep sadness will go away. But what I can promise is that your 34-year-old self will do everything she can to make sure that your 50-year-old self can look back and smile. I want, so very bad, for her to be proud of us. You, for surviving this horrible thing. And me for finally understanding that I had no control.
Me
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Mike in Dallas
Our first letter from a Y chromosome! Enjoy!
Mike –
It’s been a while since we talked…I wanted to see how you’re doing. Things are
fine here in late 2010. Amazing how we look up and it’s November. Sorry I missed your 16th birthday last month….like I said, the year is flying by.
How is soccer going ?....you mentioned the elite team offered you a roster spot.
They see your skills, your quiet leadership too as you lead by example.
I hope you take them up on their offer ( I didn’t when I was your age ). Seeing
ourselves as others do can be difficult ….but again, they see something great there. Let me know how it goes.
What’s the latest from my alma mater, Richardson High School ? Last time we spoke I believe you mentioned that Spanish was a tad difficult. Keep at it….when I was there the Spanish teacher offered after school tutoring to improve, it lasted just 30minutes a couple days a week…Take advantage of that if necessary ( I didn’t when I was your age).
I know when your mom remarried it was difficult for you. Sure, you want her to be happy and you’re thankful for all that he can provide. You mentioned feeling guilty, worrying about your dad in NY as you and your five siblings were sittin’ pretty ( I think those were your words)in Dallas while your dad was battling his demons. I continue to pray for his recovery. Make sure you do the same ( I didn’t when I was your age ). Prayer works Mike.
Trust me Mike, both your dad and now your stepdad are wise men, strong men. When we age, we learn. That’s not to say though that we don’t all make mistakes…we do. Some (i.e. me) make more than my share : )…but in the end, and this certainly sounds generic….”it’s all good”. I’m not sure where I heard this initially but the quote “Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid” is strong. Yes, easier said than done obviously…..but say it out loud now. Say it again later today.say it tonight…say it Mike…believe it….do it. Hmmm, I just researched this a moment ago…some feel that German poet Johann Wolfgang von Goethe penned this. Others think that Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Johann Wolfgang Canadian author and pastor Basil King coined the phrase. Doesn’t really matter I suppose.
Annnnyway, I’ve rambled long enough. You’ve always said you want to do things on your own,make your own mark, be your own man. That’s admirable, but remember there’s no shame in taking advantage of opportunities that come your way. Whether you’ve earned them or you’re in need of a hand, it doesn’t matter. God put us here for each other and of course him….using both is your greatest tool ( I didn’t when I was your age ).
Take care…we’ll talk later
- Mike
Mike –
It’s been a while since we talked…I wanted to see how you’re doing. Things are
fine here in late 2010. Amazing how we look up and it’s November. Sorry I missed your 16th birthday last month….like I said, the year is flying by.
How is soccer going ?....you mentioned the elite team offered you a roster spot.
They see your skills, your quiet leadership too as you lead by example.
I hope you take them up on their offer ( I didn’t when I was your age ). Seeing
ourselves as others do can be difficult ….but again, they see something great there. Let me know how it goes.
What’s the latest from my alma mater, Richardson High School ? Last time we spoke I believe you mentioned that Spanish was a tad difficult. Keep at it….when I was there the Spanish teacher offered after school tutoring to improve, it lasted just 30minutes a couple days a week…Take advantage of that if necessary ( I didn’t when I was your age).
I know when your mom remarried it was difficult for you. Sure, you want her to be happy and you’re thankful for all that he can provide. You mentioned feeling guilty, worrying about your dad in NY as you and your five siblings were sittin’ pretty ( I think those were your words)in Dallas while your dad was battling his demons. I continue to pray for his recovery. Make sure you do the same ( I didn’t when I was your age ). Prayer works Mike.
Trust me Mike, both your dad and now your stepdad are wise men, strong men. When we age, we learn. That’s not to say though that we don’t all make mistakes…we do. Some (i.e. me) make more than my share : )…but in the end, and this certainly sounds generic….”it’s all good”. I’m not sure where I heard this initially but the quote “Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid” is strong. Yes, easier said than done obviously…..but say it out loud now. Say it again later today.say it tonight…say it Mike…believe it….do it. Hmmm, I just researched this a moment ago…some feel that German poet Johann Wolfgang von Goethe penned this. Others think that Johann Wolfgang von Goethe Johann Wolfgang Canadian author and pastor Basil King coined the phrase. Doesn’t really matter I suppose.
Annnnyway, I’ve rambled long enough. You’ve always said you want to do things on your own,make your own mark, be your own man. That’s admirable, but remember there’s no shame in taking advantage of opportunities that come your way. Whether you’ve earned them or you’re in need of a hand, it doesn’t matter. God put us here for each other and of course him….using both is your greatest tool ( I didn’t when I was your age ).
Take care…we’ll talk later
- Mike
Friday, November 5, 2010
Elizabeth in SLC
dear older me,
i hope we get more tattoos, but no piercings.
i hope we really do go to mortuary school and we don't just talk about it.
i hope we stop loving the boys who don't call.
i hope we stop loving the boys who drink too much.
i hope we stop loving the boys who love our friends.
i hope we don't end up alone.
i hope we shop at j. crew more (but please don't throw away our thrift store sweaters).
i hope we always have a cat.
i hope one day we grow our hair out, even though i know we'll just cut it all off again.
i hope we always smile at old people.
i hope we never stop laughing at dad's jokes.
i hope we listen to 'slow ride' by foghat every time we get a new car.
i hope you can look back at where i am now and think 'that really wasn't so bad.'
and i hope that's true.
xoxox
you
i hope we get more tattoos, but no piercings.
i hope we really do go to mortuary school and we don't just talk about it.
i hope we stop loving the boys who don't call.
i hope we stop loving the boys who drink too much.
i hope we stop loving the boys who love our friends.
i hope we don't end up alone.
i hope we shop at j. crew more (but please don't throw away our thrift store sweaters).
i hope we always have a cat.
i hope one day we grow our hair out, even though i know we'll just cut it all off again.
i hope we always smile at old people.
i hope we never stop laughing at dad's jokes.
i hope we listen to 'slow ride' by foghat every time we get a new car.
i hope you can look back at where i am now and think 'that really wasn't so bad.'
and i hope that's true.
xoxox
you
Monday, November 1, 2010
Katie in Denver
Dear Katie,
Remember last April when the girl you thought was one of your best friends in the world decided to go on a study abroad? That was the most awesome experience for her. She loved it and met lots of new people…people she should live with this year, instead of living with you.
Right now there are about 3 weeks left of the summer before your Senior year at BYU in Provo, UT. I know you keep calling her trying to figure out how the two of you are going to live together in Provo this upcoming year. I know it seems really weird that she is short and kind of distant…that she doesn’t return your calls. The reason is that she probably doesn’t want to live with you, but feels obligated to bunk up since she said she would.
But the two of you are much different people than you were a short 4 months ago.
You used to have so much in common, but this summer time passed, you both had very different experiences and you’ve both changed. And forcing the two of you to live together will be very unpleasant.
Instead of enjoying your last year together at college you’ll start to dread coming home. You’ll argue all the time and be genuinely confused why this person you still love doesn’t love you back. It’ll end up being the most hurtful experience of your time in Provo… more painful than any other personal relationship in your life.
You’ll spent the next 5 years replaying the events of that last semester in your mind…trying to determine what went wrong and how you could have avoided it. It’ll eat you up inside every single time you have a Sunday school lesson about forgiveness.
It’ll make you think you are incapable of being a good girl friend.
Call up your friend Brittany and she if she wants to live together. I mean, sure, she recently kind of dated your boyfriend while you were away for an internship for the summer, but that’ll blow over and the two of you could have had SUCH a great year together!
However, if you don’t decide to take my advice on this, that’s ok too. Because, even though the experience was really hard, you come out on the other end just fine. You marry a red hot smokin man who is so funny he makes you laugh until you fall out of chairs.
Literally
Oh, and you have great hair, so there’s always that.
Love, Katie
Remember last April when the girl you thought was one of your best friends in the world decided to go on a study abroad? That was the most awesome experience for her. She loved it and met lots of new people…people she should live with this year, instead of living with you.
Right now there are about 3 weeks left of the summer before your Senior year at BYU in Provo, UT. I know you keep calling her trying to figure out how the two of you are going to live together in Provo this upcoming year. I know it seems really weird that she is short and kind of distant…that she doesn’t return your calls. The reason is that she probably doesn’t want to live with you, but feels obligated to bunk up since she said she would.
But the two of you are much different people than you were a short 4 months ago.
You used to have so much in common, but this summer time passed, you both had very different experiences and you’ve both changed. And forcing the two of you to live together will be very unpleasant.
Instead of enjoying your last year together at college you’ll start to dread coming home. You’ll argue all the time and be genuinely confused why this person you still love doesn’t love you back. It’ll end up being the most hurtful experience of your time in Provo… more painful than any other personal relationship in your life.
You’ll spent the next 5 years replaying the events of that last semester in your mind…trying to determine what went wrong and how you could have avoided it. It’ll eat you up inside every single time you have a Sunday school lesson about forgiveness.
It’ll make you think you are incapable of being a good girl friend.
Call up your friend Brittany and she if she wants to live together. I mean, sure, she recently kind of dated your boyfriend while you were away for an internship for the summer, but that’ll blow over and the two of you could have had SUCH a great year together!
However, if you don’t decide to take my advice on this, that’s ok too. Because, even though the experience was really hard, you come out on the other end just fine. You marry a red hot smokin man who is so funny he makes you laugh until you fall out of chairs.
Literally
Oh, and you have great hair, so there’s always that.
Love, Katie
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tracy in SLC
Dear 8th grade Tracy,
I might as well get this out of the way because I know it’s the thing you’re desperate to hear—you get pretty. I know it seems absolutely impossible now, with the red hair you haven’t yet realized is curly, braces on your teeth, huge glasses all over your face, and, firmly securing your current unsightliness, an awkward, cumbersome, scoliosis back brace. I’m not gonna lie, you don’t look too hot this year. People avert their eyes sometimes. The nicknames aren’t kind. Boys don’t like you. Girls don't like you. I know. But somehow, miraculously, you get pretty.
But guess what else? That’s so much more important? Thanks to the state of things now, you also get funny. And interesting. And brave. You have to be, if you’re going to have even the slightest shot of surviving socially. With everything that’s working against you right now, you’ve got to force some things to work for you. And you’ll manage to do it, sort of. Enough to get by. And these things that are crutches for you now will be trademarks for you later, and you will love them. Not everybody else will, mind you—your constant personality overcompensation will annoy and irritate and frustrate a fair share of friends and strangers and lovers. But no matter. Little 8th grade you have handled much worse. You took the brunt of it for us, and I can’t tell you how thankful I am for what you’re dealing with now for our sake. I promise, promise, promise, it will be worth it. It will make you cool.
Now I wish I could tell you that the cursed back brace worked. It didn’t. Your crooked twisted back will never stop hurting you, and will present you with challenge after challenge and surgery after surgery. It’s crappy now and crappy always. Yippee. But, there is a bright side. That crooked twisted back and all the extensive care it will require will give you the gift of learning just exactly how much your family and friends love you. And it’s a lot. You will be mind blown and heart broken—in the good way—by the kindness and compassion and long-suffering of the people in your life. You will be spoiled rotten just because your body isn’t quite right. You will get to see the very best in people. You will be so, so loved. Lucky you.
Oh little ugly Tracy, hang in there. I know it’s tough and you feel like you’re not ________ enough, but you are. You’ll make it. I’m so proud of how you’re scraping by right now. You will be proud of the person it helps you to become. That person is rooting so hard for you. Good luck.
Love,
27 year old Tracy
I might as well get this out of the way because I know it’s the thing you’re desperate to hear—you get pretty. I know it seems absolutely impossible now, with the red hair you haven’t yet realized is curly, braces on your teeth, huge glasses all over your face, and, firmly securing your current unsightliness, an awkward, cumbersome, scoliosis back brace. I’m not gonna lie, you don’t look too hot this year. People avert their eyes sometimes. The nicknames aren’t kind. Boys don’t like you. Girls don't like you. I know. But somehow, miraculously, you get pretty.
But guess what else? That’s so much more important? Thanks to the state of things now, you also get funny. And interesting. And brave. You have to be, if you’re going to have even the slightest shot of surviving socially. With everything that’s working against you right now, you’ve got to force some things to work for you. And you’ll manage to do it, sort of. Enough to get by. And these things that are crutches for you now will be trademarks for you later, and you will love them. Not everybody else will, mind you—your constant personality overcompensation will annoy and irritate and frustrate a fair share of friends and strangers and lovers. But no matter. Little 8th grade you have handled much worse. You took the brunt of it for us, and I can’t tell you how thankful I am for what you’re dealing with now for our sake. I promise, promise, promise, it will be worth it. It will make you cool.
Now I wish I could tell you that the cursed back brace worked. It didn’t. Your crooked twisted back will never stop hurting you, and will present you with challenge after challenge and surgery after surgery. It’s crappy now and crappy always. Yippee. But, there is a bright side. That crooked twisted back and all the extensive care it will require will give you the gift of learning just exactly how much your family and friends love you. And it’s a lot. You will be mind blown and heart broken—in the good way—by the kindness and compassion and long-suffering of the people in your life. You will be spoiled rotten just because your body isn’t quite right. You will get to see the very best in people. You will be so, so loved. Lucky you.
Oh little ugly Tracy, hang in there. I know it’s tough and you feel like you’re not ________ enough, but you are. You’ll make it. I’m so proud of how you’re scraping by right now. You will be proud of the person it helps you to become. That person is rooting so hard for you. Good luck.
Love,
27 year old Tracy
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Lori in Park City
Dear Me,
Listen to your grandmother as you paint with her that rainy Saturday when you are nine. As she guides your hand to transform a spilled dollop of Prussian blue into a swirling sky, she will tell you:
1. Paint thick over thin.
2. Always use fresh paint.
3. Take the time to prime your canvas.
Later, you will realize that she really means:
1. Let your authentic self wash over before worrying about the little details.
2. Buy quality in art and food and ensure that there is a variety of color on your palette and your plate.
3. Grounded by your faith and family, figure out who you are before leaping into work, relationships, and politics.
Armed with this, you’ll be free to make decisions instead of being paralyzed by them.
Do good things!
Me
P.S. When your daughter arrives, you will name her Grace, too and her great-grandmother’s twinkle will be an unmistakable reminder of her presence always.
Listen to your grandmother as you paint with her that rainy Saturday when you are nine. As she guides your hand to transform a spilled dollop of Prussian blue into a swirling sky, she will tell you:
1. Paint thick over thin.
2. Always use fresh paint.
3. Take the time to prime your canvas.
Later, you will realize that she really means:
1. Let your authentic self wash over before worrying about the little details.
2. Buy quality in art and food and ensure that there is a variety of color on your palette and your plate.
3. Grounded by your faith and family, figure out who you are before leaping into work, relationships, and politics.
Armed with this, you’ll be free to make decisions instead of being paralyzed by them.
Do good things!
Me
P.S. When your daughter arrives, you will name her Grace, too and her great-grandmother’s twinkle will be an unmistakable reminder of her presence always.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Back in the Saddle
I'm waking this blog up again...I have some women I am hoping will contribute. For now, here is a letter I wrote a few years ago to my 16 year old self on the eve of the Homecoming Dance that I have to constantly re-read.
Dear Miss Katie,
I'm really sorry that you aren't going to the dance tonight. I hope it's at least a little better because if I remember correctly, the boy you liked senior year doesn't even go to your school. That probably sounds like a dumb and not helpful adult thing to say though doesn't it? (What if I tell you that you will see that boy on the street in about five years and you will look adorable and he will look, well, not?)
I wish you knew all the truly amazing things that are going to happen to you in the next 15 years. You will have experiences and opportunities that you don't even know enough to daydream about yet. But one thing I will tell you is that you aren't going to grow up to be a dater. Boys are always going to be one part of your life where you will fail way more than you succeed and will be a near constant source of frustration. My advice to you is that right now-as you are sitting there telling your journal that your grades and your friends and your lead roles in plays and the enormous amount of effort you put into making good choices don't count because you didn't get asked to the dance-is that you learn to stop giving your dating status any sort of power over your happiness. Over the next few years, plenty of boys are going to come in and out of your life. Some of them will feel really significant and then when it turns out they aren't, you will end up wasting a lot of time and energy explaining away the great things about yourself because they weren't interested in you. I'm not trying to depress you-there are some lovely romances ahead I promise-but the overriding state of your love life will be sorta grim. Even now, in my "older and wiser" state, I'll admit to still panicking every once in awhile that I will die alone. But I will also promise you that your thirty one year old self can look back and say that not one of those marathon crush boys you've had or will have is someone you missed out on. There will be some awesome men in your life and some real turkeys too, but worrying and fretting won't change either of those facts. You really won't want to trade the experiences you WILL have for more dinner and a movie nights with random boys. The sooner you can learn this lesson, the more you will be able to enjoy what's coming up. I know somewhere in your heart you know this but getting a boyfriend is not an accomplishment. It's obviously a great goal and hey, I hope we get married one of these days too kid. But if set your worth in the areas of your life that you can control on something that is entirely subjective, you set yourself up for a pretty sad and ungrateful life.
You are such a good little person and it's frustrating as an adult to look back and see how often you tied yourself up in knots over the opinions of sixteen year old boys. Although if I'm honesty with myself, it's not just you. I suppose the sixty year old me will probably say something similar one of these days about the men around me now.
Let yourself cry tonight, there is nothing wrong with wanting to have those quintessential high school experiences and being sad when you think you are missing out. Just know that "missing out" is relative. It will shock you someday to talk to your current classmates as adults and discover that even alot of the kids at that dance right now spent high school feeling just as lost and insecure as you do. But tomorrow try to do something outside of yourself. Help with your little siblings or write a thank you note or something. Just don't wear yourself out on something that you simply cannot control.
Your life is pretty different now from what you imagine and sometimes fear right now so go ahead and cross "senior prom" off your list. You aren't going and yet somehow, you will still manage to get into college and speak french on your mission and kiss plenty of really good lookin' boys someday. Go easy on yourself, it'll be super helpful to me one day.
hugs,
kc
Dear Miss Katie,
I'm really sorry that you aren't going to the dance tonight. I hope it's at least a little better because if I remember correctly, the boy you liked senior year doesn't even go to your school. That probably sounds like a dumb and not helpful adult thing to say though doesn't it? (What if I tell you that you will see that boy on the street in about five years and you will look adorable and he will look, well, not?)
I wish you knew all the truly amazing things that are going to happen to you in the next 15 years. You will have experiences and opportunities that you don't even know enough to daydream about yet. But one thing I will tell you is that you aren't going to grow up to be a dater. Boys are always going to be one part of your life where you will fail way more than you succeed and will be a near constant source of frustration. My advice to you is that right now-as you are sitting there telling your journal that your grades and your friends and your lead roles in plays and the enormous amount of effort you put into making good choices don't count because you didn't get asked to the dance-is that you learn to stop giving your dating status any sort of power over your happiness. Over the next few years, plenty of boys are going to come in and out of your life. Some of them will feel really significant and then when it turns out they aren't, you will end up wasting a lot of time and energy explaining away the great things about yourself because they weren't interested in you. I'm not trying to depress you-there are some lovely romances ahead I promise-but the overriding state of your love life will be sorta grim. Even now, in my "older and wiser" state, I'll admit to still panicking every once in awhile that I will die alone. But I will also promise you that your thirty one year old self can look back and say that not one of those marathon crush boys you've had or will have is someone you missed out on. There will be some awesome men in your life and some real turkeys too, but worrying and fretting won't change either of those facts. You really won't want to trade the experiences you WILL have for more dinner and a movie nights with random boys. The sooner you can learn this lesson, the more you will be able to enjoy what's coming up. I know somewhere in your heart you know this but getting a boyfriend is not an accomplishment. It's obviously a great goal and hey, I hope we get married one of these days too kid. But if set your worth in the areas of your life that you can control on something that is entirely subjective, you set yourself up for a pretty sad and ungrateful life.
You are such a good little person and it's frustrating as an adult to look back and see how often you tied yourself up in knots over the opinions of sixteen year old boys. Although if I'm honesty with myself, it's not just you. I suppose the sixty year old me will probably say something similar one of these days about the men around me now.
Let yourself cry tonight, there is nothing wrong with wanting to have those quintessential high school experiences and being sad when you think you are missing out. Just know that "missing out" is relative. It will shock you someday to talk to your current classmates as adults and discover that even alot of the kids at that dance right now spent high school feeling just as lost and insecure as you do. But tomorrow try to do something outside of yourself. Help with your little siblings or write a thank you note or something. Just don't wear yourself out on something that you simply cannot control.
Your life is pretty different now from what you imagine and sometimes fear right now so go ahead and cross "senior prom" off your list. You aren't going and yet somehow, you will still manage to get into college and speak french on your mission and kiss plenty of really good lookin' boys someday. Go easy on yourself, it'll be super helpful to me one day.
hugs,
kc
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Chloe in NYC
Dear Chloe,
You are just finishing up your summer internship. In a little over two weeks you will be starting your second year of your MBA program. You started packing tonight and reflecting on your life. You started to think about the wedding you called off three years ago and how your life today is so different then you thought it would be then. Then, you thought you'd be married and, at this point, probably well on your way to having baby number two. Such is not the case. The truth is, you have no idea when or even if you'll get married. Sometimes this makes you feel very...lonely. Don't feel bad about that. It's okay to feel lonely every once in a while. The good news is, you aren't bitter. Make sure you don't ever become bitter.
You need to look back at your life on a regular basis. You have been through some very hard things. You lost your mom. You don't exactly have a great relationship with your dad, although it's better than it was. You have struggled with your weight and how you feel about it for a very long time. You walked away from a marriage...a marriage you wanted so badly...but you knew it wasn't the right one.
In looking back on all of the hard decisions you've had to make, at all of the hard things you've had to live through, at all the stupid mistakes you’ve made, you need to realize and always remember that you really like who you are today. In fact, you love you. You love who you are becoming. You know that this is a process. You have finally realized that you are never going to feel like you've arrived, but that's not a bad thing. Along the way to becoming, you can see so many amazing milestones; milestones that only exist because you did hard things. Never lose sight of that.
Life will keep going...and it will throw you curve balls. I can't see into the future, but I can tell you this because this is the way it is supposed to work. You are going to have make decisions and most of these will not be decisions between right and wrong. In fact, they will often not be between good and better. Believe in your ability to choose. Believe in the mind that God gave you and in the lessons you have learned throughout your life. The truth is, you can't have it all. This life was designed that way. And you are finally starting to see that. Just like not arriving is not a bad thing, not having it all is not a bad thing either. You will learn how to prioritize. You will learn where your values are; not necessarily on a moral level (those are what they are and, hopefully, will not change), but on a personal preference level. Decisions require sacrifice...otherwise, what is there to decide? But know, that in giving up one thing, you will gain something else. That's the nature of life.
More than anything, I want you to remember how you feel right now, in this moment. You have worked your tail off this summer and the people you are working with have noticed. You have great friends and you are a great friend. You aren't perfect, and neither are they, but you are all doing the best you can (which somedays is much better than others) and they value you as much as you value them. And today, you can feel that. Your family is not perfect, but they are yours and they love you. And today, you know that everything is going to workout, despite all of your mistakes and misjudgments. Today, you know that you are going to be fine. Don't let go of that feeling. And on that day in the very near future when you start to question, when you start to doubt that, remember that where there is fear, there can’t be faith. Remember, as your mom constantly reminded you, it always works out. Always.
Love and rockets,
Your biggest cheerleader
You are just finishing up your summer internship. In a little over two weeks you will be starting your second year of your MBA program. You started packing tonight and reflecting on your life. You started to think about the wedding you called off three years ago and how your life today is so different then you thought it would be then. Then, you thought you'd be married and, at this point, probably well on your way to having baby number two. Such is not the case. The truth is, you have no idea when or even if you'll get married. Sometimes this makes you feel very...lonely. Don't feel bad about that. It's okay to feel lonely every once in a while. The good news is, you aren't bitter. Make sure you don't ever become bitter.
You need to look back at your life on a regular basis. You have been through some very hard things. You lost your mom. You don't exactly have a great relationship with your dad, although it's better than it was. You have struggled with your weight and how you feel about it for a very long time. You walked away from a marriage...a marriage you wanted so badly...but you knew it wasn't the right one.
In looking back on all of the hard decisions you've had to make, at all of the hard things you've had to live through, at all the stupid mistakes you’ve made, you need to realize and always remember that you really like who you are today. In fact, you love you. You love who you are becoming. You know that this is a process. You have finally realized that you are never going to feel like you've arrived, but that's not a bad thing. Along the way to becoming, you can see so many amazing milestones; milestones that only exist because you did hard things. Never lose sight of that.
Life will keep going...and it will throw you curve balls. I can't see into the future, but I can tell you this because this is the way it is supposed to work. You are going to have make decisions and most of these will not be decisions between right and wrong. In fact, they will often not be between good and better. Believe in your ability to choose. Believe in the mind that God gave you and in the lessons you have learned throughout your life. The truth is, you can't have it all. This life was designed that way. And you are finally starting to see that. Just like not arriving is not a bad thing, not having it all is not a bad thing either. You will learn how to prioritize. You will learn where your values are; not necessarily on a moral level (those are what they are and, hopefully, will not change), but on a personal preference level. Decisions require sacrifice...otherwise, what is there to decide? But know, that in giving up one thing, you will gain something else. That's the nature of life.
More than anything, I want you to remember how you feel right now, in this moment. You have worked your tail off this summer and the people you are working with have noticed. You have great friends and you are a great friend. You aren't perfect, and neither are they, but you are all doing the best you can (which somedays is much better than others) and they value you as much as you value them. And today, you can feel that. Your family is not perfect, but they are yours and they love you. And today, you know that everything is going to workout, despite all of your mistakes and misjudgments. Today, you know that you are going to be fine. Don't let go of that feeling. And on that day in the very near future when you start to question, when you start to doubt that, remember that where there is fear, there can’t be faith. Remember, as your mom constantly reminded you, it always works out. Always.
Love and rockets,
Your biggest cheerleader
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Michele at 22
Dear me,
You do not have to move to Atlanta. In fact, you probably shouldn't. Of course he's wonderful, and of course you want to stay with him. But, Atlanta? What are you going to do in Atlanta? You just graduated college, I know you have no idea what you're going to do -- grad school, audition, live at home and wait it out? But that's okay. It's a good thing! Following a boy because you don't know what else to do? Maybe not so smart. (And guess what? He's not going to want that house in the country, or the chickens, or to do anything but play Starcraft and drink beer. And you're not going to marry him.)
You know how you ended up spending three months on $300 as he got more and more depressed about his job and, well, Atlanta? And then remember working at that hoity-toity wine bar (where you have no business carrying more-than-one of anything made of glass and/or filled with stain culprits)? And remember how none of it really changed anything except that you felt lonely, irritable, and like a failure? You weren't, you aren't, I'm just saying...the most important lesson from this (that you still struggle to learn, or manage, or something) is that you need to NOT lose yourself in relationships. Your mother, your teachers, your friends, all have made a point to tell you how independent and adventurous you have been, and how you've always just picked up and gone wherever you wanted. And this time you didn't, and it had serious side effects. They got better. But pay attention to that lesson and learn how to live simultaneously with a relationship and with your instincts. Don't let any boy guilt you out of your independence, your need for solitude, and your need to travel, drive away, see the mountains and oceans from many angles. People may cry, "Escapism!" -- but living a life for which you have no feelings, or feel trapped or manipulated is far worse. Don't think of it as escaping or running away -- think of it as running to.
Also, listen to your mother. She really is aware of what makes you happy far more than you are -- you're still trying to replicate what makes others happy because you think you don't know what pleases you. Stop it. You are not other people, and their happiness is not yours, their jobs are not your key to success and their hobbies are not your interests. Be happy for them. But shut up already and listen to yourself. And your mother.
love,
michele
You do not have to move to Atlanta. In fact, you probably shouldn't. Of course he's wonderful, and of course you want to stay with him. But, Atlanta? What are you going to do in Atlanta? You just graduated college, I know you have no idea what you're going to do -- grad school, audition, live at home and wait it out? But that's okay. It's a good thing! Following a boy because you don't know what else to do? Maybe not so smart. (And guess what? He's not going to want that house in the country, or the chickens, or to do anything but play Starcraft and drink beer. And you're not going to marry him.)
You know how you ended up spending three months on $300 as he got more and more depressed about his job and, well, Atlanta? And then remember working at that hoity-toity wine bar (where you have no business carrying more-than-one of anything made of glass and/or filled with stain culprits)? And remember how none of it really changed anything except that you felt lonely, irritable, and like a failure? You weren't, you aren't, I'm just saying...the most important lesson from this (that you still struggle to learn, or manage, or something) is that you need to NOT lose yourself in relationships. Your mother, your teachers, your friends, all have made a point to tell you how independent and adventurous you have been, and how you've always just picked up and gone wherever you wanted. And this time you didn't, and it had serious side effects. They got better. But pay attention to that lesson and learn how to live simultaneously with a relationship and with your instincts. Don't let any boy guilt you out of your independence, your need for solitude, and your need to travel, drive away, see the mountains and oceans from many angles. People may cry, "Escapism!" -- but living a life for which you have no feelings, or feel trapped or manipulated is far worse. Don't think of it as escaping or running away -- think of it as running to.
Also, listen to your mother. She really is aware of what makes you happy far more than you are -- you're still trying to replicate what makes others happy because you think you don't know what pleases you. Stop it. You are not other people, and their happiness is not yours, their jobs are not your key to success and their hobbies are not your interests. Be happy for them. But shut up already and listen to yourself. And your mother.
love,
michele
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Therese in Alaska
Dear Younger Self,
As you will find with many things, it is amazing the change of perspective being a mother and taking a few steps back will have on you. You are going to say and do many remarkable things in the next 15 years of your life and you will also make decisions and react in ways you will be less than proud of. I am not going to stand in the way of those less than proud decisions as they will help you learn and blossom. They will teach you to not be so quick to judge and to keep your mouth closed at certain times. Don't waste time regretting those moments because they are part of the intricate weaving in the tapestry of your life.
However, we do need to get one thing straight. Tanning beds are absolutely disgusting and vile mechanisms. I know, I know: you crave the warmth of the lights in the winter time and you think it helps diminish any imperfections or dimples on your body. Well I have two bits of advice for you:
1.) Save the money you would spend on your tanning pass and buy a flight to the Caribbean each winter
2.) Join a gym and start lifting weights and you won't need the extra camouflage
While you are at it, you need to refrain from being so gullible in believing that those ultra violent lights are a healthy alternative to a daily dose of a Vitamin D pill. Do you think it is natural for your body to smell like the burning flesh in a concentration camp when your 20 minutes is up and the bed shuts off? Yuck!
One morning you are going to wake up and look in the mirror and notice that your face is aging. The time is going to come sooner than later, but wouldn't you much rather have it come later? I hate to break it to you, but you look like a leather handbag when you are unnaturally tan!
Worse than that, one day you are going to have babies whose little lives you want to watch unfold and you are going to read about tanning beds being the #1 cause of cancer (being likened to mustard gas of all things) and you are going to worry when every new mole surfaces on your body. Your brother-in-law is going to die of brain cancer as a young father in a disease that he has no control over and yet you are choosing to subject your body to such harm? Shame on you! You know better! Stop being so proud of the fact that you do not take harmful chemicals like tea, coffee, tobacco and alcohol into your body, but then continue to be addicted to what it takes to have a good suntan. If you can justify those actions, then you clearly do not have things figured out.
Now I don't think that you should walk around with a parasol, but for heavens sake girl; start taking care of your skin! Enjoy the beach and all that summer has to offer, but be a little smarter about cancer prevention! Hopefully the only repercussion for your foolish discretion we will have to deal with are the fine lines on your face!
Love,
Your older, wiser and much more pale self.
PS: Just wait, there are more times ahead that I sound just like our mother!
As you will find with many things, it is amazing the change of perspective being a mother and taking a few steps back will have on you. You are going to say and do many remarkable things in the next 15 years of your life and you will also make decisions and react in ways you will be less than proud of. I am not going to stand in the way of those less than proud decisions as they will help you learn and blossom. They will teach you to not be so quick to judge and to keep your mouth closed at certain times. Don't waste time regretting those moments because they are part of the intricate weaving in the tapestry of your life.
However, we do need to get one thing straight. Tanning beds are absolutely disgusting and vile mechanisms. I know, I know: you crave the warmth of the lights in the winter time and you think it helps diminish any imperfections or dimples on your body. Well I have two bits of advice for you:
1.) Save the money you would spend on your tanning pass and buy a flight to the Caribbean each winter
2.) Join a gym and start lifting weights and you won't need the extra camouflage
While you are at it, you need to refrain from being so gullible in believing that those ultra violent lights are a healthy alternative to a daily dose of a Vitamin D pill. Do you think it is natural for your body to smell like the burning flesh in a concentration camp when your 20 minutes is up and the bed shuts off? Yuck!
One morning you are going to wake up and look in the mirror and notice that your face is aging. The time is going to come sooner than later, but wouldn't you much rather have it come later? I hate to break it to you, but you look like a leather handbag when you are unnaturally tan!
Worse than that, one day you are going to have babies whose little lives you want to watch unfold and you are going to read about tanning beds being the #1 cause of cancer (being likened to mustard gas of all things) and you are going to worry when every new mole surfaces on your body. Your brother-in-law is going to die of brain cancer as a young father in a disease that he has no control over and yet you are choosing to subject your body to such harm? Shame on you! You know better! Stop being so proud of the fact that you do not take harmful chemicals like tea, coffee, tobacco and alcohol into your body, but then continue to be addicted to what it takes to have a good suntan. If you can justify those actions, then you clearly do not have things figured out.
Now I don't think that you should walk around with a parasol, but for heavens sake girl; start taking care of your skin! Enjoy the beach and all that summer has to offer, but be a little smarter about cancer prevention! Hopefully the only repercussion for your foolish discretion we will have to deal with are the fine lines on your face!
Love,
Your older, wiser and much more pale self.
PS: Just wait, there are more times ahead that I sound just like our mother!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Cynthia in California
To my 22 year old self:
I want to start with this-you are an amazing, gifted, young lady. You walk tall and you look the world in the eye. You smile big and let little offend you or shake you. People see you as beautiful and full of life. They draw near you to be around your carefree, positive spirit. They lean on you for strength and you are willing to help them. You are good with people and you try very hard to accommodate their needs. But I know you, you are a performer and you are drained by pretending that you are strong, when in the corner of your room you cry. You are uncertain, betrayed, embarrassed, and angry….and no one knows.
Life is not easy right now. You feel that the foundation you have built your life on has fallen from under you. You are uncertain where to place your trust. Your family no longer actively pursues the gospel. What your parents have taught you does not seem to apply to them anymore. What are you to think of their teachings? Do you trust them? Do you obey them? In addition, the divorce has left you leery of everything your family has stood for. What is a family? What is my family to me? Is this the beginning of lost relationships and “different ways?” Do you have security? Safety? Love? Is it a “fend for yourself” situation? I know these are your thoughts and rightfully so. But I am here to tell you, it will be okay. This is actually the beginning of strength, support, unbreakable bonds, love and ironically…unity within your family. And although your family will always be your strength, they will not be your foundation and that’s okay. We are not a traditional family and we are not perfect, but we are a family and we love each other. Remember to share your life with them; they will be your strength. They will hold you up, build you up. Each one of them…every individual in your family supports you in your decisions. They may not agree at times, but they support you and they never pull you down. They genuinely want you to be happy and this becomes more evident as you get older. They will be the one consistent, reliable support in your life….your backbone.
Listen to your mother. She is usually right. Seldom do you agree with her the first time; she is eccentric to you at first glance. But as you sit in your room and process her thoughts and theories, you manage to pull truths from what she says. She is wise and she knows you very well. If nothing else….just listen. She becomes the voice in your head telling you “you can do it”. Encouraging you to take that step and any thought that comes to your mind is not too big for you to accomplish in her eyes. She is your personal Nike commercial…Just Do It! She is your biggest fan. She has much pride in you. Her love will make you feel accomplished and will build your self esteem as the years go on.
As for relationships: You have spent the last four years fighting for someone’s love. You have placed trust in him and he has failed you. Your best friend turned into your worst nightmare. You needed his approval and you lost yourself trying to get it. You allowed yourself to be used and abused for this man’s conditional love. You lost your soul and today you feel it. You feel ugly and unworthy of love. Your heart has never been more shattered by one person that it has by this man, even to this date. You found a deep hate, unfortunately for yourself. But this year you found a way to begin your journey away from him. I am not sure where you found the strength, but you found it. It is new for you today, and very difficult. But I am very proud of you. It is the best decision you have made. However, as a result of this decision you lose many of your close friends. You start over alone. And I am proud to say, it is a permanent decision. You never go back. Unfortunately, your hurt causes you to become calloused and once again you are at a loss of where to place your trust. Where do you build your foundation?
Regardless of your lack of trust, you find people to be fascinating; you learn so much of who you are through these people. You are not quick to judge, but you are quick to forgive. You will be criticized for this character trait…ignore them and forgive anyway…it is an attribute that has blessed you with good people in your life and less drama. Naturally, you admire each individual person for who they are and try to breathe in what it is they have to offer you. However, you learn that people come in and out of your life, and very few of them stay. Don’t be upset by this…it is just a matter of fact. Transition is a part of life and you do all you can to help people with new transitions. You are blessed to have them in your life for that short time, but also know they will move on. Be happy for them, you’ll find joy in that. You learn to enjoy the company you have, but you never expect loyalty from them. As a result, you are nonchalant with your friendship/relationships…never fully attached. People mistake it for independence…even you mistake it for independence. You might even hurry people to “transition” before you get too attached. However, don’t be quick to push them out; there will be few who surprise you and never leave you.
This is a year of self-reflecting, which sucks…I’ll be honest. But it brings about an inner strength. You find your foundation within yourself. You identify your belief system…in religion, within yourself, and of others. This is a push start to uphill achievements. You hit many obstacles, have thoughts and insecurities that test you, but because of your new foundation/belief system you overcome such trials. And one day, you self-reflect and will genuinely say, “I’m proud of you.” Stick to your belief system, it is your stability. Keep your family close; they are your backbone, without them you are weak. And learn from your friends; they are your examples.
love,
c
I want to start with this-you are an amazing, gifted, young lady. You walk tall and you look the world in the eye. You smile big and let little offend you or shake you. People see you as beautiful and full of life. They draw near you to be around your carefree, positive spirit. They lean on you for strength and you are willing to help them. You are good with people and you try very hard to accommodate their needs. But I know you, you are a performer and you are drained by pretending that you are strong, when in the corner of your room you cry. You are uncertain, betrayed, embarrassed, and angry….and no one knows.
Life is not easy right now. You feel that the foundation you have built your life on has fallen from under you. You are uncertain where to place your trust. Your family no longer actively pursues the gospel. What your parents have taught you does not seem to apply to them anymore. What are you to think of their teachings? Do you trust them? Do you obey them? In addition, the divorce has left you leery of everything your family has stood for. What is a family? What is my family to me? Is this the beginning of lost relationships and “different ways?” Do you have security? Safety? Love? Is it a “fend for yourself” situation? I know these are your thoughts and rightfully so. But I am here to tell you, it will be okay. This is actually the beginning of strength, support, unbreakable bonds, love and ironically…unity within your family. And although your family will always be your strength, they will not be your foundation and that’s okay. We are not a traditional family and we are not perfect, but we are a family and we love each other. Remember to share your life with them; they will be your strength. They will hold you up, build you up. Each one of them…every individual in your family supports you in your decisions. They may not agree at times, but they support you and they never pull you down. They genuinely want you to be happy and this becomes more evident as you get older. They will be the one consistent, reliable support in your life….your backbone.
Listen to your mother. She is usually right. Seldom do you agree with her the first time; she is eccentric to you at first glance. But as you sit in your room and process her thoughts and theories, you manage to pull truths from what she says. She is wise and she knows you very well. If nothing else….just listen. She becomes the voice in your head telling you “you can do it”. Encouraging you to take that step and any thought that comes to your mind is not too big for you to accomplish in her eyes. She is your personal Nike commercial…Just Do It! She is your biggest fan. She has much pride in you. Her love will make you feel accomplished and will build your self esteem as the years go on.
As for relationships: You have spent the last four years fighting for someone’s love. You have placed trust in him and he has failed you. Your best friend turned into your worst nightmare. You needed his approval and you lost yourself trying to get it. You allowed yourself to be used and abused for this man’s conditional love. You lost your soul and today you feel it. You feel ugly and unworthy of love. Your heart has never been more shattered by one person that it has by this man, even to this date. You found a deep hate, unfortunately for yourself. But this year you found a way to begin your journey away from him. I am not sure where you found the strength, but you found it. It is new for you today, and very difficult. But I am very proud of you. It is the best decision you have made. However, as a result of this decision you lose many of your close friends. You start over alone. And I am proud to say, it is a permanent decision. You never go back. Unfortunately, your hurt causes you to become calloused and once again you are at a loss of where to place your trust. Where do you build your foundation?
Regardless of your lack of trust, you find people to be fascinating; you learn so much of who you are through these people. You are not quick to judge, but you are quick to forgive. You will be criticized for this character trait…ignore them and forgive anyway…it is an attribute that has blessed you with good people in your life and less drama. Naturally, you admire each individual person for who they are and try to breathe in what it is they have to offer you. However, you learn that people come in and out of your life, and very few of them stay. Don’t be upset by this…it is just a matter of fact. Transition is a part of life and you do all you can to help people with new transitions. You are blessed to have them in your life for that short time, but also know they will move on. Be happy for them, you’ll find joy in that. You learn to enjoy the company you have, but you never expect loyalty from them. As a result, you are nonchalant with your friendship/relationships…never fully attached. People mistake it for independence…even you mistake it for independence. You might even hurry people to “transition” before you get too attached. However, don’t be quick to push them out; there will be few who surprise you and never leave you.
This is a year of self-reflecting, which sucks…I’ll be honest. But it brings about an inner strength. You find your foundation within yourself. You identify your belief system…in religion, within yourself, and of others. This is a push start to uphill achievements. You hit many obstacles, have thoughts and insecurities that test you, but because of your new foundation/belief system you overcome such trials. And one day, you self-reflect and will genuinely say, “I’m proud of you.” Stick to your belief system, it is your stability. Keep your family close; they are your backbone, without them you are weak. And learn from your friends; they are your examples.
love,
c
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Farrah in LA
Dear Me at 10 Months Ago.
Don't take that job.
I know you think you'd be stupid not to. I know there is not a silver lining in sight. But trust me. Ten months from now, when it has been made spectacularly clear that there is no way to progress in this company and you've sacrificed your weekends and even some of your self-respect for something you thought would be a smart, short-term solution, you will regret the ten months lost on your search for a real career. You remember how we cried that night because you found out accepting this job would mean they would expect you to work on Sundays and you began interviewing friends for their experiences working on the Sabbath? Well, this job isn't like their jobs. This job is below your skill level, below your experience level and to lower your standards simply because you feel stupid not taking a job when the economy is so awful...well, that's an unusually pessimistic attitude for you and you should know better than to operate off of fear rather than faith.
You asked yourself that night if taking this job showed a lack of faith. If accepting the terms that you would knowingly break the Sabbath showed disrespect toward the many blessings the Lord has shown doors to in the past. Well, I'm here to tell you, Ten-Months-Ago Me, IT DOES.
You're resourceful and you're experienced. Focus on a job that is in a logical field related to your professional experience. Because when you find out that all the promises you received of expansion and opportunity are all bullshit, you'll regret the time you lost and the sacrifices you made for a job you never really wanted to begin with.
Be smart. Don't panic. Focus.
-Me.
Don't take that job.
I know you think you'd be stupid not to. I know there is not a silver lining in sight. But trust me. Ten months from now, when it has been made spectacularly clear that there is no way to progress in this company and you've sacrificed your weekends and even some of your self-respect for something you thought would be a smart, short-term solution, you will regret the ten months lost on your search for a real career. You remember how we cried that night because you found out accepting this job would mean they would expect you to work on Sundays and you began interviewing friends for their experiences working on the Sabbath? Well, this job isn't like their jobs. This job is below your skill level, below your experience level and to lower your standards simply because you feel stupid not taking a job when the economy is so awful...well, that's an unusually pessimistic attitude for you and you should know better than to operate off of fear rather than faith.
You asked yourself that night if taking this job showed a lack of faith. If accepting the terms that you would knowingly break the Sabbath showed disrespect toward the many blessings the Lord has shown doors to in the past. Well, I'm here to tell you, Ten-Months-Ago Me, IT DOES.
You're resourceful and you're experienced. Focus on a job that is in a logical field related to your professional experience. Because when you find out that all the promises you received of expansion and opportunity are all bullshit, you'll regret the time you lost and the sacrifices you made for a job you never really wanted to begin with.
Be smart. Don't panic. Focus.
-Me.
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